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"Legion" Review

The best thing I can say about Legion is that I didn't have to pay to be bored. (Such are the benefits of the "impromptu double-feature.")

The "plot" in a nutshell: God has lost faith in mankind and is sending an army of angels to wipe us out, presumably because water rates have gotten too expensive for the usual deluge. One angel, Michael (Paul "Mr. Jennifer Connelly" Bettany), bucks the plan, drops down into Los Angeles, chops off his wings, gets a ton of guns, and heads out into the desert where a lonely diner staffed and patronized by every dull stereotype - Dennis Quaid, Roc, the guy from Tokyo Drift, a token black dude with a gun that frightens the white folk, some rich snobs, and the pregnant waitress who is carrying the Messiah it seems. While there, he helps them fight off all sorts of creepy people whose shock value is mooted for anyone who's seen the trailer.

Nothing goes right in Legion. The "character development" scenes are boring; the action is shot in near darkness with no sense of geography (it's almost as bad as Alien vs. Predator: Requiem); we don't give a damn who lives or dies and, most appallingly, they refuse to explain what's so important about this baby and why it's being born on Christmas Day - NUDGE, NUDGE, WINK, WINK! This whole movie is meant to serve as a launching pad for a franchise, but no one thought to make it even vaguely interesting in the first place. It's as if they expected us to be so tantalized by the sketchy nature of this first taste that we'll eagerly pony up more cash to see what comes next.

Stupid question: If God is sending his angels to smite us, why are all these people attacking the diner just red shirt civilians who are possessed while Michael and....wait for it.....can you guess who the other angel is? Did you say "Gabriel" because he's the only other angel you've heard of?!? WINNER!!! Anyway, why are these two angels the only ones fighting in their true forms? Because it's cheaper than kitting out a whole bunch of guys to look like the bird men from Flash Gordon?

For some unfathomable reason, my girlfriend liked it fine, but she doesn't have a blog so her opinion is moot as well as wrong.

Score: 1/10. Watch it on your friend's cable (if you must.)


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