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Oscars 2013 Livesnark

* Seth MacFarlane hits with his first joke about Tommy Lee Jones.

* Great opening segment. VERY funny. Charlize Theron can dance?

* WHOA! Christophe Waltz wins Best Supporting Actor, a HUGE upset over the expected Robert De Niro or TLJ. He seemed as surprised as anyone.

*And then the show crashes to a halt with terrible crap for Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy. OMGWTFBBQ?

* Paperman wins for Best Animated Short. It was cute, so that's cool.

* Another upset as Brave wins Animated Feature over the expected Frankenweenie or Wreck-It Ralph. I see a lot of people already throwing out their Oscar pool bet slips.

* What's with the trio of Best Picture clips?

* Life of Pi wins for Best Cinematography, another reminder that film is dead. It is a beautiful film.

* Life of Pi justifiably wins for Best Visual Effects. It's a sad irony that Rhythm & Hues, the main FX house just went into Chapter 11. They mentioned it in their speech, but got cut off.

* As tight as MacFarlane's bits have been, the banter for those presenting awards has been gawdawful so far.

* Another sorta upset as Colleen Atwood doesn't win for Snow White and the Huntsman. Haven't seen Anna Karenina, but the samples looked typical for this stuff.

* How come the winners for costuming, hair and makeup had both terrible clothes and hair?

* Shirley Bassey kills "Goldfinger" at age 76. I was wondering if they had a plan for the inevitable standing O. (They did.)

* Nikki Finke is bashing the show hard here in her livesnark. There's snark and then there's unhinged rage-hating and this is the latter. Lady's got more issues than a newstand.

* It appears they're moving the nominees for the lesser awards from their usual seats in the back to the boxes beside the stage to shorten the run up to the stage. Good tactic.

* The banter still sucks. The people who typed this should be unemployed.

* With four other miserable political choices to choose from, Searching For Sugar Man wins probably because you didn't want to kill yourself after watching it.

* They're playing the Jaws theme to signal it's time to go to the long-talkers.

*Wow. The orchestra isn't in the house, but down at Capitol Records studio.

* I love, LURV, Chicago, but why are they using it here for a tribute to recent musicals?

* They should've put footage of how Jennifer Hudson looked in Deamgirls behind her.

* The Les Misérables medley shows how similar most of the score's songs sounded because they were able to mash them together so easily.

* The Marky Mark and Ted bit worked because it had to be pre-written to do the CGI.

* In case anyone still had a shot in the Oscar pool, the tie for Sound Editing either doubled or halved their results as Zero Dark Thirty and Skyfall won. Who says a single vote can't make a difference?

* Anne Hathaway wins to the shock and horror of no one.

* Did they get Kristen Stewart out of rehab for this? She looks a mess and jittery.

* Barbra Streisand comes out Botoxed to near toxic levels (she's 70) and looking like Stevie Nicks to sing "The Way We Were" because Marvin Hamlisch died. She sounds good, but the show is dragging now.

* What's wrong with Renee Zellwegger's face? She looks crazy drunk, too.

UPDATE: George Takei had this on FaceSpace:

* Life of Pi wins Best Score. Could it go all the way?

* "Skyfall" wins Best Song to the surprised of absolutely no one.

* Argo wins Best Adapted Screenplay, which I think tilts the odds back to it for Best Picture.

* Tarantino looks sweaty and methed-up collecting his Best Original Screenplay award for Django Unchained. Still need to see this.

*Ang Lee wins his 2nd Best Director Oscar though he's likely to go home empty-handed for Best Picture again, if Argo wins as expected. (He won for Brokeback Mountain when it lost to the toxic and despicable Crash because Hollyweird decided to celebrate its racist self-loathing over its homophobia.)

* J.Law trips and falls going up the steps; Wolverine rushes up to assist Mystique. She seemed dazed even though it was pretty much a lock.

* DDL wins for Lincoln to the surprise of absolutely no one. I'm sure he's glad he decided to not be be a cobbler. Funny acceptance speech.

* Jack (No Last Name Necessary) comes out looking blitzed. Why the heck is Michelle Obama beaming in to give the Best Picture nominees? Would they have done this for Anne Romney if she was First Lady? (Duh.)

* Why the heck does Grant Heslov get to give the acceptance speech for Argo? Oh, in order to tee up Ben Affleck.

* Nicely nasty closing number paying tribute to the losers.

* It'll be interesting to see how the reviews for the show go and how hard they bash on on MacFarlane because I thought he killed. I laughed a lot at his stuff, especially the opener with Flight with sock puppets.

* Overall show grade: B+. Host grade: A

* Unlike most years, I don't have much annoyance over an undeserved win or loss. I wasn't particularly passionate over any of the contenders and of the 7 films I saw, I would've picked Life of Pi right ahead of Argo, but it's OK.

* The uptight twits on the E! After Party coverage hosts are hating on MacFarlane. Meow, babies.

* OMG, J.Law is killing it in the backstage interviews. Real, fresh, no BS answers to the dumb questions. I'm really liking her.


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