I've never seen the original 1997 Anaconda so I had no nostalgia or foreknowledge of whatever meta humor the 2025 reboot/reimagining/parody(?) also titled Anaconda was going to deliver. I have the original in my digital library (probably came with a bundle of Sony/Columbia titles I'd bought), but it's remained unseen. Whatever charms the J.Lo/Ice Cube/Jon Voight original has are currently lost on me.
For this go-around we have Jack Black as Doug, a wedding videographer who wants to do more creative work than the field allows, and Paul Rudd as Griff, a bit part actor who once appeared on four episodes of S.W.A.T, but is currently too dumb to understand that as Doctor #3 on a medical TV show, his bad attempts at doing accents or wild readings are not appreciated, leading to him being sacked.
He was also Doug's childhood best friend and as kids they'd made a home movie called Quatch (short for Sasquatch aka Bigfoot) which Griff brings over to a surprised birthday party thrown by Doug's wife, Malie (Ione Skye). Watching their little epic at the party brings back the dreams they'd had of going to LA to make movies together.
After the party, Griff tells Doug that he's obtained the rights to Anaconda from the author of the original movie's source material and suggests they make a reboot/requel/reimaging of it, making it on a shoestring (because the bank countered their ask for a couple of million dollars with an approval for $9400) with their pal Kenny (Steve Zahn) as the cameraman and Griff's recently divorced ex-girlfriend Claire (Thandiwe Newton) as the ingenue.
Arriving in the Amazonian rainforest of Brazil, they meet up with Carlos (Selton Mello), the handler of the large anaconda they'll be using for the shoot. They also meet Ana (Daniela Melchior), who claims to be the daughter of the man whose riverboat they'd rented to take them out to shoot in the jungle, but is actually someone we've seen chased by men and who stole the boat's keys from the passed out captain in a bar.
The filming goes well until it comes time to shoot a scene with the snake where Griff panics, flinging the snake off him into the water, where it is killed by the boat's propeller. (Why the boat was under power makes no sense. It seemed anchored and there was no engine noise. Because movie, I suppose.) That night, Griff and Carlos go into the jungle looking for another snake unaware that the giant titular CGI anaconda is out there.
As shooting continues, Doug adds Ana to the film and Griff begins to get bitter about the spotlight being usurped. Of course things escalate as the true nature of Ana and Griff's holding of the rights are exposed, leading to a big finale with obligatory meta cameos.
Anaconda's co-writer and director is Tom Gormican whose last two movies were 2022's weird meta Nicolas Cage film The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent which featured "Nic Cage" being hassled by a younger Nic Cage circa Wild At Heart, and 2024's Netflix flick Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F (both unreviewed, but getting 6.5/10 and 7/10, catch on streaming/cable scores) so you'd think he'd be able to handle both a long-delayed sequel/reboot with meta overtones well. And if you thought that, you'd be wrong.
It starts off promisingly enough, setting up the premise of middle-aged guys from Buffalo whose lives are stable and adequate, but pine for the dreams of their youth to come true and have to decide how hard they want to chase them. But that instinct is bumping against the needs of a broad Christmas Day comedy release needing action and trailer moments. While there are a few big laughs, there are way more stretches where the proceeding lag in between set pieces giving the viewer plenty of time to ponder where all the food and drinks this floating resort has come from when the captain couldn't stay sober enough to stay conscious or at least put the boat's keys in his pocket rather than laying on the bar.
With a weak script, it doesn't really matter how the performances are. Black is his usual noisy self; Rudd is more tightly wired and finally beginning to age; Zahn is also his usual dumb guy; with the sort of revelation in Newtown playing a somewhat dowdy middle-aged American woman reconnecting with an old flame.
The Dolby Vision presentation has good color and black levels for the night scenes, but the overall visual style is unremarkable.
Anaconda openly cops to its creative bankruptcy, but doesn't do enough to prevent succumbing to the mediocrity which is standard in too many movies these days. If only they'd really leaned into the goof instead of trying, and failing, to squeeze the premise into new shapes.
Score: 5/10. Catch it on cable/streaming.
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