Remember The Old Guard? It was released on Netflix in July 2020 during the Scamdemic lockdowns (Thanks, Trump!) and was a hit because with nothing else to do, everything on streaming became a hit. I somehow failed to log watching it and only know I scored it a 7/10 from my IMDB. (I'd guessed 6/10 based on a reference in another review here.) A sequel was inevitable, but thanks to various writers and actors strikes, The Old Guard 2 shuffles into view for the Independence Day weekend five years laer and that's the reason I ask if you remember it is because if you haven't rewatched it recently, you will very likely be lost for most of this dull and incomplete sequel.
It opens with Quỳnh (Veronica Ngô) being hoisted out of the ocean where she's spent the last five centuries trapped in an iron maiden. Her savior is a mysterious woman named Discord (Uma Thurman, My Super Ex-Girlfriend) who is eventually revealed to be the Original First Immortal, a title that Andromache "Andy" (Charlize Theron, Atomic Blonde) thought she held.
Meanwhile, Andy and her gang of immortals - The Old Guard - are raiding a Croatian mansion with some questionable art choices to stop a weapons sale. After the mission, the two gay men on the team - Joe (Marwan Kenzari) and Nicky (Luca Marinelli) - are having relationship trouble because one (don't recall which and don't care) feels he needs some space after 1000 years together. Not trusting his partner, the other guy follows him along with Nile (KiKi Layne, The Old Guard), who was the last movie's newest immortal to where he was headed, the apartment of Booker (Matthias Schoenaerts, probably some European movies), a former teammate who was exiled for betraying them in the last movie, only to find him missing thus paying off the end-credits scene of the first movie where he came home to find Quỳnh there.
You know, I don't want to recap this thing anymore. The plot is nonsense involving Discord claiming Nile is the Last Immortal due to a matching birthmark and that she wants to use Nile to kill everyone else to stop Immortals - not to be confused with Marvel's Eternals or Inhumans - from meddling in human affairs. Why? Don't know. Then there's also the theory of newly-introduced Immortal Librarian Tuah (Henry Golding, Crazy Rich Asians) that anyone wounded by Nile would lose their immortality, but if they freely chose to they could pass their powers onto someone who'd lost theirs so yes, Andy will get her groove back. (SPOILER ALERT!)
It ends in a cliffhanger which presumes that audiences will be desperate to see how it turns out, but with a third movie depending on this one fared, that's unlikely. Then again, Netflix handed the Russo Brothers over a half-BILLION dollars to make The Gray Man and The Electric State, so perhaps they won't mind burning more cash if the budget is under control.
Despite the script being co-written by the source graphic novels' co-creator, Greg Rucka, the mythology is flat and laden with mumbo jumbo that alludes, but never concludes. The action scenes are shakycam/edit fu and if you were looking forward to a hot, sexy throwdown between Beatrix Kiddo and Aeon Flux, prepare to be disappointed.
As for the A/V presentation, other than some Atmos effects in spots and some OK highlights, you're not missing much if not springing for the top tier plan.
Score: 3/10. Skip it.
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