Unlike the past couple of years when I'd seen all the major nominees, I've only seen 4-1/2 of the 9 Best Picture nominees: The Artist (very sweet, but overpraised), The Help (stunningly mediocre and overrated), Moneyball (very good, but not great), Midnight in Paris (cute, but also overpraised), and half of The Descendents. I want to see Hugo, but have so little interest in War Horse, Extemely Incredible and Closely Loud (sp?) and whatever the other one is that I couldn't even hazard a guess as to when I'm going to see them. So, with little interest in who wins, let's snark this mutha up! (Refresh for updates all night.)
• The fashions on the red carpet have been blah. No one seems to know how to get clothes fitted. One exception: Natalie Portman with a cute red dress and tasteful jewelry.
• God Himself (i.e. Morgan Freeman) does the cold opener. BFD.
• The filmed opener was funny then got lame. "It's Time For Oscar" song was meh.
• Instead of opening with Best Supporting Actress, they've one-twoed Cinematography and Art Direction, both of which went to Hugo. The harbingers of an upset?
• They have a cruise ship band in the balcony with Pharrell Williams playing drums. Why?
• Nice touch with the nominations for Costume Design and Makeup to have people talk about their intent while showing clips from the movie. The Artist and The Iron Lady.
• Movie stars talking about their first movies. Who cares? What makes their experiences special? Oh, that's right, they're famous. Pfft.
• A Separation (from Iran) wins Best Foreign Language. The director makes a speech referring to the political tensions, but doesn't speak against the mullahs who've made Iran the terrorist pariah state they are. One guess as to why.
• Octovia Spencer gets Best Support Actress for The Help and loses it. Come on, it wasn't a surprise. Pull it together.
• Semi-amusing spoof of focus groups done with the Christopher Guest posse.
• The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is a surprise winner for Best Editing. They should've edited out their terrible speech. With all the technical awards Hugo is racking up, it's surprising Thelma Schoonmaker didn't win.
• Hugo wins for Best Sound Editing and Sound Mixing. I'm really wishing I'd caught this. I'll put it on the top of the stack.
• The Cirque du Soleil number was impressive, but how did it really capture the experience of going to the movies.
• Above-average schtick with Iron Man and Pepper Potts. They cut the mike off on the Best Documentary winners.
• Chris Rock brings some much-needed edge to the proceedings with a great bit about how it's not hard to do animation for the actors.
• Rango wins Best Animated Feature. I still haven't seen this, but heard it's pretty good.
• I just adore Emma Stone, but that stupid bow on her dress sucks. Great schtick with Ben Stiller. She's got a future in this business.
• Hugo wins Best Special Effects. Got nothing to say about that yet, but Sucker Punch should've been nominated.
• Christopher Plummer sets the record for the oldest Oscar winner at 82 for Beginners thus leveraging never having won despite an illustrious career and playing a gay guy for the gold. Classy speech.
• Cute bit where Billy tells us what the people are thinking.
• The Artist wins for Best Score, which makes sense because that was the only sound in 99.9% of the movie. We will never hear from this guy again.
• Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis are funny, especially the latter mangling his own name in his introduction. They're willing to play the fool.
• The traveshamockery of the Best Song category results in "Man or Muppet" winning the coin toss. When other numbers like "Star Spangled Man" (from Captain America: The First Avenger) weren't even nominated, this category is meaningless. Either do it right or cut it.
• Angelina Jolie = YOWZA!!! Pop that leg out. Funny when Jim Rash apes the pose when The Descendents wins for Best Adapted Screenplay.
• Woody Allen wins Best Original Screenplay for Midnight in Paris. Meh, I guess so.
• The cast of Bridesmaids gets to hand out the awards that no one cares about. Harsh, but true.
• What's with the popcorn girls handing out snacks during the breaks.
• Billy Crystal keeps making these jokes pandering to the class warfare rage that the Left preens their support for. Is there anyone in the front part of this house who isn't in the top 1% of the supposedly evil 1%.
• Michel French Guy wins Best Director for The Artist, so if you had Hugo in your Oscar pool, The Walking Dead rerun is starting in five minutes.
• James Earl Jones and makeup artist deity Dick Smith won Honorary Oscars and Oprah gets the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award. My life remains unaffected.
• The People Who Died montage was really heavy on behind-the-scenes personnel. I'm sure, "Who?", was the most-often voiced reaction.
• Jean Dujarden wins Best Actor for The Artist. Is he the next Roberto Begnini? (I'm not even going to look up whether I spelled that right.) We'll probably never hear from him again here.
• WHOA! Meryl Streep upsets Viola Davis for Best Actress. I'm sure Spike Lee is tweeting about how racist this is. Streep hasn't won in 30 years and this was her 17th nomination. I suspect the Academy figures Davis will be back soon. Yet another Oscar win for a performance which has a real-life person to mimic as opposed to creating a character from scratch. Don't actors understand this stuff? Guess not.
• The Artist wins Best Picture to the surprise of no one. Of the movies I've seen, I enjoyed this the most, but I want to see Hugo now.
Overall, it was a meh show. Billy Crystal seemed too impressed with his Borscht Belt jokes, but would Eddie Murphy have been better?
Score: 6/10. Whatever.
Showing posts with label recap. Show all posts
Showing posts with label recap. Show all posts
2011 Academy Awards Livesnark
Sunday, February 27, 2011
• Opening filmed bit riffing on Inception was cute.
• Franco's Grandma: "I just saw Marky Mark." Ha! But opening banter was stiff.
• Alice in Wonderland wins Best Art Direction. I hate it when historical movies based on real places win, so I was afraid a sweep for The King's Speech would rob a genuinely original creation.
• Somewhat of an upset as Wall Pfister wins Best Cinematography for Inception over Roger Deakin's work on True Grit since Deakins has been nominated nine times without winning. No complaints about the win, though.
• First segment felt off-kilter and stilted. Franco and Hathaway are too giggly.
• Kirk Douglas is out and doing shtick which is rough considering his stroke. Cute that he milked the envelope opening moment.
• Melissa Leo wins for Best Supporting Actress for The Fighter. Terrible speech. Whoa! Had to bleep her. They should've given it to Halle Steinfeld, but she was really a lead part.
• Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis are absolutely horrid with banter. Jeez, who writes this stuff? I hosted a poetry and music festival for five hours last night, pretty much winging most of it off the cuff and it was tighter and funnier than anything so far here.
• Gee, Pixar wins Best Animated Feature. Again. There should really be more than three nominees in the category. Haven't seen the other nominees yet, but I wasn't crazy about Toy Story 3.
• 40 minutes in and I'm bored.
• Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem - co-stars from No Country For Old Men - are dressed as if they're going to be serving drinks at the Governor's Ball.
• Aaron Sorkin wins for The Social Network and gives props right off to Paddy Chayefsky's titanic Network. Best dialog of 2010.
• David Siedler, age 74 or so, is the oldest winner of Best Original Screenplay for The King's Speech. I was unimpressed by that movie as well.
• Anne Hathaway shows off her impressive lungs - singing voice, that is - and Franco comes out in Marilyn Monroe drag. Scary. She looks hot in a tux.
• Russell Brand and Helen Mirren (co-stars in the Arthur remake) are the first good presenters with banter. A Better World wins for Best Foreign Language, but the woman giving the acceptance was a mess.
• Christian Bale wins, as expected, for The Fighter. No problems with this win. Hard to believe he's never been nominated before.
• It's ironic that The Fighter is up for Best Picture, Director, Original Screenplay, Support Actor and two Supporting Actress noms, but the star and producer, Marky Mark, gets bupkiss for his performance.
• It's a long way from Cleveland for Trent Reznor as he co-wins Best Original Score for The Social Network's ambient, futuristic soundscape.
• Inception wins for Sound Mixing and Editing Oscars. Nice to see it picking up the technical categories. Everyone's been thanking Chris Nolan, who was snubbed for Best Director by the haters in the Directors Branch of the Academy.
• Rick Baker wins his 7th Oscar for Best Makeup for The Wolfman. Does anyone even remember that movie.
• Colleen Atwood wins her third Oscar for Costume Design for Alice in Wonderland. Remember her dress made of American Express Gold Cards when she won for Chicago?
• Randy Newman is OK, but his chronic presence at the Oscars is no different than the Coens Brothers getting automatically nominated for anything they put out in a year. I've already forgotten his song from 2010 Pixar Movie.
• Something wins Best Documentary Short. God of Love wins Best Live-Action Film and director-star Luke Matheny gives the best speech so far, "I should've gotten a haircut."
• The Auto-Tune The News Internet meme sails over the head of Hollywood as they do a montage of "musicals" that came out last year.
• Cute moment with Anne Hathaway twirling her dress. She's so yummy.
• I haven't seen Best Feature Documentary Inside Job yet - I've got it downloaded and waiting - but as long as Exit Through The Gift Shop didn't win, I'm satisfied. Not that it's not a good movie (haven't watched it yet, but I'm sick of FAKE "documentaries" by liars like Michael Moore winning a category that implies truthfulness in its very title.
• "Surprise" presenter - only if you don't read Deadline Hollywood - Billy Crystal comes out to into a montage of Bob Hope hosting bits. And then he's gone. Big whoop.
• Inception wins for Best Visual Effects, continuing the irrelevant technical honors sweep. Sherlock Holmes co-stars Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law do OK banter.
• The Social Network wins Best Editing. I seem to recall hearing that it's unlikely to win Best Picture without winning Editing. Hmmm, could The King's Speech be getting passed over?
• Randy Newman wins. Yawn. That he's only 2-for-20 in winning says something. Terrible song. Can't even remember the tune. Funny speech, though.
• And yet again, they don't use Jim Carroll's "People Who Died" for their In Memorium montage. Heh, they use a clip from Blue Velvet for Dennis Hopper. They must have commanded that no applause be given, so there's no winner for the Most Popular Dead Person.
• A sort of upset as Tom Hooper wins Best Director for The King's Speech. Even those who thought it would win Best Picture thought David Fincher would win here. Good speech thanking his mother for tipping him off about the script that led to his win.
• Queen Amadala wins for Insane Lesbian Ballerina. I had a headache watching her, so this is merited. Good thing Annette Bening didn't rob her for a Lifetime Achievement Award. She thanked everyone on the crew, but none of her co-stars. None of them. Tacky and stuck-up.
• Sandra Bullock looks Botoxed to near-lethal levels. Funny intros to the actors though.
• Colin Firth wins Best Actor for The King's Speech and last year's A Single Man, thus filling in the Free Space box on every Oscar Pool bingo card. Dull acceptance speech.
• Good mention by Spielberg of the movies that did NOT win Best Picture: Raging Bull, Citizen Kane, The Graduate. Interesting montage using the king's speech to underscore clips from all the movie.
• The King's Speech wins Best Picture. Snooooooooore. So overrated. The Oscars refuse to step into the present, much less the present. This is Harvey's big comeback.
• James Franco seemed ill-at-ease the whole night and contributed nothing to the proceedings. Anne Hathaway was yummy and cute and looked great in all her outfits, but didn't do much. Bring back Steve Martin!
• Who the hell are these kids from PS22 in Staten Island and why are they singing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow"? Were they in a movie or did someone just think this was a good idea. (Hint: It wasn't.) Having all the winners come out for a mass bow was an OK touch.
• Pop Quiz: What films won the past two years, since they're triumphs of the cinematic arts? Exactly! Next year, who will remember this year's winner? Exactly!
• Franco's Grandma: "I just saw Marky Mark." Ha! But opening banter was stiff.
• Alice in Wonderland wins Best Art Direction. I hate it when historical movies based on real places win, so I was afraid a sweep for The King's Speech would rob a genuinely original creation.
• Somewhat of an upset as Wall Pfister wins Best Cinematography for Inception over Roger Deakin's work on True Grit since Deakins has been nominated nine times without winning. No complaints about the win, though.
• First segment felt off-kilter and stilted. Franco and Hathaway are too giggly.
• Kirk Douglas is out and doing shtick which is rough considering his stroke. Cute that he milked the envelope opening moment.
• Melissa Leo wins for Best Supporting Actress for The Fighter. Terrible speech. Whoa! Had to bleep her. They should've given it to Halle Steinfeld, but she was really a lead part.
• Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis are absolutely horrid with banter. Jeez, who writes this stuff? I hosted a poetry and music festival for five hours last night, pretty much winging most of it off the cuff and it was tighter and funnier than anything so far here.
• Gee, Pixar wins Best Animated Feature. Again. There should really be more than three nominees in the category. Haven't seen the other nominees yet, but I wasn't crazy about Toy Story 3.
• 40 minutes in and I'm bored.
• Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem - co-stars from No Country For Old Men - are dressed as if they're going to be serving drinks at the Governor's Ball.
• Aaron Sorkin wins for The Social Network and gives props right off to Paddy Chayefsky's titanic Network. Best dialog of 2010.
• David Siedler, age 74 or so, is the oldest winner of Best Original Screenplay for The King's Speech. I was unimpressed by that movie as well.
• Anne Hathaway shows off her impressive lungs - singing voice, that is - and Franco comes out in Marilyn Monroe drag. Scary. She looks hot in a tux.
• Russell Brand and Helen Mirren (co-stars in the Arthur remake) are the first good presenters with banter. A Better World wins for Best Foreign Language, but the woman giving the acceptance was a mess.
• Christian Bale wins, as expected, for The Fighter. No problems with this win. Hard to believe he's never been nominated before.
• It's ironic that The Fighter is up for Best Picture, Director, Original Screenplay, Support Actor and two Supporting Actress noms, but the star and producer, Marky Mark, gets bupkiss for his performance.
• It's a long way from Cleveland for Trent Reznor as he co-wins Best Original Score for The Social Network's ambient, futuristic soundscape.
• Inception wins for Sound Mixing and Editing Oscars. Nice to see it picking up the technical categories. Everyone's been thanking Chris Nolan, who was snubbed for Best Director by the haters in the Directors Branch of the Academy.
• Rick Baker wins his 7th Oscar for Best Makeup for The Wolfman. Does anyone even remember that movie.
• Colleen Atwood wins her third Oscar for Costume Design for Alice in Wonderland. Remember her dress made of American Express Gold Cards when she won for Chicago?
• Randy Newman is OK, but his chronic presence at the Oscars is no different than the Coens Brothers getting automatically nominated for anything they put out in a year. I've already forgotten his song from 2010 Pixar Movie.
• Something wins Best Documentary Short. God of Love wins Best Live-Action Film and director-star Luke Matheny gives the best speech so far, "I should've gotten a haircut."
• The Auto-Tune The News Internet meme sails over the head of Hollywood as they do a montage of "musicals" that came out last year.
• Cute moment with Anne Hathaway twirling her dress. She's so yummy.
• I haven't seen Best Feature Documentary Inside Job yet - I've got it downloaded and waiting - but as long as Exit Through The Gift Shop didn't win, I'm satisfied. Not that it's not a good movie (haven't watched it yet, but I'm sick of FAKE "documentaries" by liars like Michael Moore winning a category that implies truthfulness in its very title.
• "Surprise" presenter - only if you don't read Deadline Hollywood - Billy Crystal comes out to into a montage of Bob Hope hosting bits. And then he's gone. Big whoop.
• Inception wins for Best Visual Effects, continuing the irrelevant technical honors sweep. Sherlock Holmes co-stars Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law do OK banter.
• The Social Network wins Best Editing. I seem to recall hearing that it's unlikely to win Best Picture without winning Editing. Hmmm, could The King's Speech be getting passed over?
• Randy Newman wins. Yawn. That he's only 2-for-20 in winning says something. Terrible song. Can't even remember the tune. Funny speech, though.
• And yet again, they don't use Jim Carroll's "People Who Died" for their In Memorium montage. Heh, they use a clip from Blue Velvet for Dennis Hopper. They must have commanded that no applause be given, so there's no winner for the Most Popular Dead Person.
• A sort of upset as Tom Hooper wins Best Director for The King's Speech. Even those who thought it would win Best Picture thought David Fincher would win here. Good speech thanking his mother for tipping him off about the script that led to his win.
• Queen Amadala wins for Insane Lesbian Ballerina. I had a headache watching her, so this is merited. Good thing Annette Bening didn't rob her for a Lifetime Achievement Award. She thanked everyone on the crew, but none of her co-stars. None of them. Tacky and stuck-up.
• Sandra Bullock looks Botoxed to near-lethal levels. Funny intros to the actors though.
• Colin Firth wins Best Actor for The King's Speech and last year's A Single Man, thus filling in the Free Space box on every Oscar Pool bingo card. Dull acceptance speech.
• Good mention by Spielberg of the movies that did NOT win Best Picture: Raging Bull, Citizen Kane, The Graduate. Interesting montage using the king's speech to underscore clips from all the movie.
• The King's Speech wins Best Picture. Snooooooooore. So overrated. The Oscars refuse to step into the present, much less the present. This is Harvey's big comeback.
• James Franco seemed ill-at-ease the whole night and contributed nothing to the proceedings. Anne Hathaway was yummy and cute and looked great in all her outfits, but didn't do much. Bring back Steve Martin!
• Who the hell are these kids from PS22 in Staten Island and why are they singing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow"? Were they in a movie or did someone just think this was a good idea. (Hint: It wasn't.) Having all the winners come out for a mass bow was an OK touch.
• Pop Quiz: What films won the past two years, since they're triumphs of the cinematic arts? Exactly! Next year, who will remember this year's winner? Exactly!
"24 S8.23-4" Recap – “Setting Up For Showing Down/Bang, Bang, My Chloe Shot Me Down”
Monday, May 24, 2010
24 S8.23-4 – “Setting Up For Showing Down/Bang, Bang, My Chloe Shot Me Down”
==== HOUR 23 ====
• A scruffy Kiefer opens the evening with a humble thank-you to the fans who’ve stuck by them for 8 years. However, anyone still watching at this point is owed an APOLOGY, methinks. Seriously.
• Why are they reminded us that events occur in real time? If you’re just tuning in now, screw you!
• Damp Boi and Mr. White showdown at the Whitecave. Odd to see a Tarantino-esque Mexican standoff without everyone getting killed.
• Chloe arrives at the UN and is automatically being annoyed by her minions.
• Damp Boi notifies Chloe about Jack’s bug and then does an infomercial for Hyundai backup camera system.
• WTF? On the day with multiple terrorist threats they’re having a signing ceremony OUTDOORS; not someplace indoors like the General Assembly hall or a TGIFridays?
• PELB calls Prez Chumpy and tells her about everything and Jack hears it, he’s heard it all.
• Mr. Dominic gets into his SUV and finds out that he’s got himself a JACK SEAT DRIVER! Holla!!!
• Widow Regis gives Chumpy the signing pen Regis was gonna give her. Is it filled with blood, guilt and shame?
• Chloe plans to blast any evidence Jack has out to all media outlets and government employees. Unless she titles the note, “Awwww. Cute Kitteh,” no one’s gonna open it until next week.
• Jack gets into the UN and Dominic to stitch him up – what is this, Lost? – and then gets all sentimental, only pistol-whipping Dom. He’d better tie him up and toss him in the trunk.
• Good, Jack left Dom in the trunk and got his Big Ol’ Sack O’ Guns.
• Chumpy looks forlorn at the pen. Gee, handling your guilt badly?
• Widow Regis arrives and wants help finding Blonde Ambition. Chumpy blows it off, but WR ain’t having it. Keep digging, Chumpy, you’ll find China.
• Whoops! Now we know why Chumpy’s poker night nickname was “Unable-to-Bluffer-in-Chief” as WR realizes that she knew about the plot. She says she’s going to tell Dad, er, the UN and Chumpy threatens to attack Kreplochistan unless she shows up for the signing.
• Nothing makes better for a solid and lasting peace than assassinations, lies, and blackmail, does it?
• Jack sets up sniper shop. Convenient that they’ve got a nice unsecured vantage point overlooking the outdoor signing site.
• WR is pissed. Her lackey is trying to chill her out. Is she gonna catch Sudden Little Bitch Syndrome, too?
• Chloe is notified that Jack’s across the street and goes to get him. Is the eager CTU guy who got demoted for Damp Boi going to be a spoiler?
• Jack leaves a message to Kim. He’s sounding hopeful. Why not just call her since if he dies, they’ll likely black hole the tape?
• Chloe’s got a master key. Does Jack have a new pair of roller skates?
• Dr. Benton is the Secretary General of the UN?
• Chloe finds Jack and receives the most tender and loving chokehold he’s ever administered.
• Jack calls PELB and says, ”Smile, you’re on Sniper Camera.” Then he delivers the Line of the Hour, ”Tell him the truth for a change. That you’ve received a credible threat on his life.” Evil Smirk.
==== HOUR 24 ====
• Press conference wraps up and Big Ivan corners Chumpy about Widow Regis.
• PELB calls Big Ivan and says, ”Why don’t you you come on up and see me sometime, like, now?”
• Damp Boi doesn’t hear from Chloe, so orders the go team in.
• Chloe tries to talk Jack out of killing those who need killing by playing the “Renee wouldn’t want a war in her name” card. Are you sure? She was a pretty hardcore chick. She may find a guy starting a war over her to be romantic.
• Whoa! Super intense showdown with Jack forcing Chloe to shoot him by threatening to kill himself. BANG!!!! Now we have the annoyed face.
• Ah crud, they found Dominic and he orders Chloe held.
• PELB tells Dom about the recording and he gets to fulfill the fantasy of probably 27 nerds and frisks Chloe.
• Jack asks Dom if he’d like to see his Mike Tyson impression. Dom foolishly agrees.
• Chloe tries to upload the file, but people downloading cam files of Shrek Forever After have bogged down the Intarwebz and the transfer isn’t completed before she and Damp Boi are busted by CTU Agent Bucky. Tool.
• PELB gives Chumpy the card and tells her that she’s gotta whack Jack. Chumpy silently signs Jack’s death warrant. YOU SUCK!!!!
• Chumpy plays the card and it’s Jack’s video message. Huh? Where’s the real card? Ooooh, I get it. (Chloe’s taking it back to CTU to play, methinks.)
• Dom and PELB have celebratory drinks. Bastards.
• Peace signing ceremony blah-blah-woof-woof…
• Dr. Benton has Big Ivan sign first. Widow Regis follows. Wouldn’t the treaty have to be ratified by the respective countries making this all moot?
• Chumpy calls the whole thing off and tries to save Jack…
• Too late. The ambulance got ambushed. Black hood comes over the camera. Hmmm.
• PELB clobbers Dominic and then puts the gun under his chin. BANG!!!! Is he dead? Jack was supposed to kill him! DAMMIT!!!!
• Commercial Break Thoughts: Heading into the last segment, they’ve got to cover a lot of ground. Do PELB’s minions kill Jack, thus slapping the fans in the face after 8 seasons and making all the movie talk a false flag operation or do they manage to give us some sort of a happy ending?
• Mini-Aaron has already called CTU and got Chloe, Damp Boi, and Drone Boi on the case while Ivanka is hauled off. They find him in less time than they could find anyone this day.
• Hmmmm, black ops guys? Could they be friends of Mr. White?
• Nope. Oh, this looks grim and…..POW!!! Jack starts to beat the guy with his hands cuffed behind his back. Doesn’t work for long, but silver star and smiley face for effort.
• Jack says to get it over with, but Prez Cherry calls off the hit thanks to the most efficient reverse lookup ever. She orders Jack released and tells Jack she’s weally, weally saw-wee and she should’ve listened to him all along. YA F*CKING THINK?!?!?!?!?
• Jack has a tearful farewell call with Chloe and he gets a head start for life on the lam as the clock counts down to 00:00:00…that’s all folks!
Thoughts: And thus the curtain falls on the end of an era. Even though saddled with some tawdry plot baggage due to the messed-up plotting, these final two hours were pretty intense and gut-wrenching. If only they hadn’t botched the first 18 hours of the season. (Anyone else what to dig up Starbitch’s corpse and smack it around some more?) That Prez Cherry came out of the attack of SLBS was predictable, but Cherry Jones played it so well that we almost – ALMOST – felt bad for her total epic failness.
Hardcores: Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack and JACK!!!!
Little Bitches: President Evil Little Bitch (he’s not really dead, is he?), Prez Cherry, Mr. Dominic (BIH), national honor.
Up Next: During their call, Jack told Chloe to protect Kim’s family from the Ruskies, thus setting up the first movie, “2: Forget The Cougar, Here Comes The Bear!”
Episodes Score: 8/10; 9.5/10
JBBC: Final total for this final go ‘round is 132 kills – 33 if we scored Starbitch as one, but she counted 100, DAMMIT!!!
Thanks for reading these recaps. I did ‘em for you! Cheers!
==== HOUR 23 ====
• A scruffy Kiefer opens the evening with a humble thank-you to the fans who’ve stuck by them for 8 years. However, anyone still watching at this point is owed an APOLOGY, methinks. Seriously.
• Why are they reminded us that events occur in real time? If you’re just tuning in now, screw you!
• Damp Boi and Mr. White showdown at the Whitecave. Odd to see a Tarantino-esque Mexican standoff without everyone getting killed.
• Chloe arrives at the UN and is automatically being annoyed by her minions.
• Damp Boi notifies Chloe about Jack’s bug and then does an infomercial for Hyundai backup camera system.
• WTF? On the day with multiple terrorist threats they’re having a signing ceremony OUTDOORS; not someplace indoors like the General Assembly hall or a TGIFridays?
• PELB calls Prez Chumpy and tells her about everything and Jack hears it, he’s heard it all.
• Mr. Dominic gets into his SUV and finds out that he’s got himself a JACK SEAT DRIVER! Holla!!!
• Widow Regis gives Chumpy the signing pen Regis was gonna give her. Is it filled with blood, guilt and shame?
• Chloe plans to blast any evidence Jack has out to all media outlets and government employees. Unless she titles the note, “Awwww. Cute Kitteh,” no one’s gonna open it until next week.
• Jack gets into the UN and Dominic to stitch him up – what is this, Lost? – and then gets all sentimental, only pistol-whipping Dom. He’d better tie him up and toss him in the trunk.
• Good, Jack left Dom in the trunk and got his Big Ol’ Sack O’ Guns.
• Chumpy looks forlorn at the pen. Gee, handling your guilt badly?
• Widow Regis arrives and wants help finding Blonde Ambition. Chumpy blows it off, but WR ain’t having it. Keep digging, Chumpy, you’ll find China.
• Whoops! Now we know why Chumpy’s poker night nickname was “Unable-to-Bluffer-in-Chief” as WR realizes that she knew about the plot. She says she’s going to tell Dad, er, the UN and Chumpy threatens to attack Kreplochistan unless she shows up for the signing.
• Nothing makes better for a solid and lasting peace than assassinations, lies, and blackmail, does it?
• Jack sets up sniper shop. Convenient that they’ve got a nice unsecured vantage point overlooking the outdoor signing site.
• WR is pissed. Her lackey is trying to chill her out. Is she gonna catch Sudden Little Bitch Syndrome, too?
• Chloe is notified that Jack’s across the street and goes to get him. Is the eager CTU guy who got demoted for Damp Boi going to be a spoiler?
• Jack leaves a message to Kim. He’s sounding hopeful. Why not just call her since if he dies, they’ll likely black hole the tape?
• Chloe’s got a master key. Does Jack have a new pair of roller skates?
• Dr. Benton is the Secretary General of the UN?
• Chloe finds Jack and receives the most tender and loving chokehold he’s ever administered.
• Jack calls PELB and says, ”Smile, you’re on Sniper Camera.” Then he delivers the Line of the Hour, ”Tell him the truth for a change. That you’ve received a credible threat on his life.” Evil Smirk.
==== HOUR 24 ====
• Press conference wraps up and Big Ivan corners Chumpy about Widow Regis.
• PELB calls Big Ivan and says, ”Why don’t you you come on up and see me sometime, like, now?”
• Damp Boi doesn’t hear from Chloe, so orders the go team in.
• Chloe tries to talk Jack out of killing those who need killing by playing the “Renee wouldn’t want a war in her name” card. Are you sure? She was a pretty hardcore chick. She may find a guy starting a war over her to be romantic.
• Whoa! Super intense showdown with Jack forcing Chloe to shoot him by threatening to kill himself. BANG!!!! Now we have the annoyed face.
• Ah crud, they found Dominic and he orders Chloe held.
• PELB tells Dom about the recording and he gets to fulfill the fantasy of probably 27 nerds and frisks Chloe.
• Jack asks Dom if he’d like to see his Mike Tyson impression. Dom foolishly agrees.
• Chloe tries to upload the file, but people downloading cam files of Shrek Forever After have bogged down the Intarwebz and the transfer isn’t completed before she and Damp Boi are busted by CTU Agent Bucky. Tool.
• PELB gives Chumpy the card and tells her that she’s gotta whack Jack. Chumpy silently signs Jack’s death warrant. YOU SUCK!!!!
• Chumpy plays the card and it’s Jack’s video message. Huh? Where’s the real card? Ooooh, I get it. (Chloe’s taking it back to CTU to play, methinks.)
• Dom and PELB have celebratory drinks. Bastards.
• Peace signing ceremony blah-blah-woof-woof…
• Dr. Benton has Big Ivan sign first. Widow Regis follows. Wouldn’t the treaty have to be ratified by the respective countries making this all moot?
• Chumpy calls the whole thing off and tries to save Jack…
• Too late. The ambulance got ambushed. Black hood comes over the camera. Hmmm.
• PELB clobbers Dominic and then puts the gun under his chin. BANG!!!! Is he dead? Jack was supposed to kill him! DAMMIT!!!!
• Commercial Break Thoughts: Heading into the last segment, they’ve got to cover a lot of ground. Do PELB’s minions kill Jack, thus slapping the fans in the face after 8 seasons and making all the movie talk a false flag operation or do they manage to give us some sort of a happy ending?
• Mini-Aaron has already called CTU and got Chloe, Damp Boi, and Drone Boi on the case while Ivanka is hauled off. They find him in less time than they could find anyone this day.
• Hmmmm, black ops guys? Could they be friends of Mr. White?
• Nope. Oh, this looks grim and…..POW!!! Jack starts to beat the guy with his hands cuffed behind his back. Doesn’t work for long, but silver star and smiley face for effort.
• Jack says to get it over with, but Prez Cherry calls off the hit thanks to the most efficient reverse lookup ever. She orders Jack released and tells Jack she’s weally, weally saw-wee and she should’ve listened to him all along. YA F*CKING THINK?!?!?!?!?
• Jack has a tearful farewell call with Chloe and he gets a head start for life on the lam as the clock counts down to 00:00:00…that’s all folks!
Thoughts: And thus the curtain falls on the end of an era. Even though saddled with some tawdry plot baggage due to the messed-up plotting, these final two hours were pretty intense and gut-wrenching. If only they hadn’t botched the first 18 hours of the season. (Anyone else what to dig up Starbitch’s corpse and smack it around some more?) That Prez Cherry came out of the attack of SLBS was predictable, but Cherry Jones played it so well that we almost – ALMOST – felt bad for her total epic failness.
Hardcores: Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack and JACK!!!!
Little Bitches: President Evil Little Bitch (he’s not really dead, is he?), Prez Cherry, Mr. Dominic (BIH), national honor.
Up Next: During their call, Jack told Chloe to protect Kim’s family from the Ruskies, thus setting up the first movie, “2: Forget The Cougar, Here Comes The Bear!”
Episodes Score: 8/10; 9.5/10
JBBC: Final total for this final go ‘round is 132 kills – 33 if we scored Starbitch as one, but she counted 100, DAMMIT!!!
Thanks for reading these recaps. I did ‘em for you! Cheers!
"24 S8.22" Recap – “Ain’t No Stopping The Jack Rush!”
Monday, May 17, 2010
24 S8.22 – “Ain’t No Stopping The Jack Rush!”
• PELB is basking in his good press. Can’t wait for Jack to chew his ears off.
• Dominic calls from the scene of Sniperov’s demise and warns PELB that Jack seems really interested in finding him.
• Blonde Ambition is still whining about what Jack did. Would someone slap this twit, please?
• Chumpy wraps a meeting with the happy-looking Widow Regis. (WTF? I once lost 10 lbs. in a week after a breakup. I wasn’t looking chipper.)
• PELB lets Chumpy know that it’s all going to hell. Chumpy realizes she’s FUBAR. Waaaaaaaaaaaah!!!
• Chloe and Drone Boy see what Jack did to Sniperov and ID Mr. White. Ivanka is snooping at them.
• White tells Jack where PELB is going and Jack tells him to burn the evidence of their connection, thus disbanding the Gruffy-Voiced Men Club.
• Chumpy tells Aaron Lite to get the FBI to roll BA’s offices. He’s suspicious. Can’t anyone lie smoothly?
• BA calls her editor and sets a meet. I’m all a flutter. (Note: I’m not.)
• Jack turns into One-Man Army and stops the motorcade with the Worst. Security. Ever. – come on, even a weasel like PELB gets decent Secret Service protection – and smokes out PELB. Looks like no kills as Jack does the SS guys T2 style again.
• Chloe and DB figure out who White is. He has all that stuff and a couple of grunt analysts can figure out he’s not dead in 10 minutes?
• Jack makes PELB sweat so bad that Nixon’s ghost feels sorry for him and then chokeholds him. (Jack does, not Nixon.)
• Chloe gets all Yoda and says, ”There is another,” and goes to call someone to get White. Who could it be? I’m guessing Aaron, cuz he’s the only one who hasn’t been brought back for a victory lap.
• Oh, boo. Damp Boi? Bleah. Chloe slaps down Ivanka, making her have the annoyed face.
• Editor tips BA that the Feds are there. Real Ben Bradley moves there. Not.
• Chloe springs Damp Boi and sends him after White.
• Jack beats up Ivan’s driver for the intel and then caps two guards, though one of them gets to stab Jack before Jack manages to make him stab himself. Isn’t this the second time today that Jack got stabbed? What’s up with that?
• Damp Boi still thinks Jack’s out of control and promises to cap him. Ooooooh, big man.
• BA calls Fajita and tells her the Ruskies were behind Regis’ demise.
• Whoops! She gets pinched by the FBI and they’ve got the evidence. FAIL! Aaron Lite tells Chumpy they have the evidence.
• Dominic calls Ivan to warn him and in the best jump cut of the season, we see the bloody aftermath of Jack’s strike on the Ruskies room. Head shot and a FIREPLACE POKER(!!!!) in Ivan’s gut?!?! YOWZA!!! Four more kills. And a carpet-cleaning charge.
• PELB calls Big Ivan and has a lengthy conversation full of admissions of guilt. It’s gotta be bugged.
• Yep! Jack’s pinned a mike on PELB’s collar and is taping all of this, but he’s bleeding pretty bad.
Thoughts: This week had a strong whiff of the crazy vibe that informed Season 7 where it didn’t matter if it was preposterous, as long as it was action-packed and entertaining. Jack On Fire is sorta working, but something’s gotta give with Prez Chumpy’s totally succumbing to Sudden Little Bitch Syndrome.
Hardcores: Jack, Jack, Jack, and JACK!!!!
Little Bitches: PELB, Prez Chumpy, Ivan in the hotel room with the poker.
Up Next: The big finish. Unless they’re lying about making movies and whack Jack – which would require the producers to go into hiding deeper than Salman Rushdie – it’s going to end up in a Pyrrhic victory at best and probably something downbeat and sad.
Episode Score: 8/10
JBBC: Jack busts caps in four while poking one in a manner too strong for Facebook brings the total to 132 kills.24
• PELB is basking in his good press. Can’t wait for Jack to chew his ears off.
• Dominic calls from the scene of Sniperov’s demise and warns PELB that Jack seems really interested in finding him.
• Blonde Ambition is still whining about what Jack did. Would someone slap this twit, please?
• Chumpy wraps a meeting with the happy-looking Widow Regis. (WTF? I once lost 10 lbs. in a week after a breakup. I wasn’t looking chipper.)
• PELB lets Chumpy know that it’s all going to hell. Chumpy realizes she’s FUBAR. Waaaaaaaaaaaah!!!
• Chloe and Drone Boy see what Jack did to Sniperov and ID Mr. White. Ivanka is snooping at them.
• White tells Jack where PELB is going and Jack tells him to burn the evidence of their connection, thus disbanding the Gruffy-Voiced Men Club.
• Chumpy tells Aaron Lite to get the FBI to roll BA’s offices. He’s suspicious. Can’t anyone lie smoothly?
• BA calls her editor and sets a meet. I’m all a flutter. (Note: I’m not.)
• Jack turns into One-Man Army and stops the motorcade with the Worst. Security. Ever. – come on, even a weasel like PELB gets decent Secret Service protection – and smokes out PELB. Looks like no kills as Jack does the SS guys T2 style again.
• Chloe and DB figure out who White is. He has all that stuff and a couple of grunt analysts can figure out he’s not dead in 10 minutes?
• Jack makes PELB sweat so bad that Nixon’s ghost feels sorry for him and then chokeholds him. (Jack does, not Nixon.)
• Chloe gets all Yoda and says, ”There is another,” and goes to call someone to get White. Who could it be? I’m guessing Aaron, cuz he’s the only one who hasn’t been brought back for a victory lap.
• Oh, boo. Damp Boi? Bleah. Chloe slaps down Ivanka, making her have the annoyed face.
• Editor tips BA that the Feds are there. Real Ben Bradley moves there. Not.
• Chloe springs Damp Boi and sends him after White.
• Jack beats up Ivan’s driver for the intel and then caps two guards, though one of them gets to stab Jack before Jack manages to make him stab himself. Isn’t this the second time today that Jack got stabbed? What’s up with that?
• Damp Boi still thinks Jack’s out of control and promises to cap him. Ooooooh, big man.
• BA calls Fajita and tells her the Ruskies were behind Regis’ demise.
• Whoops! She gets pinched by the FBI and they’ve got the evidence. FAIL! Aaron Lite tells Chumpy they have the evidence.
• Dominic calls Ivan to warn him and in the best jump cut of the season, we see the bloody aftermath of Jack’s strike on the Ruskies room. Head shot and a FIREPLACE POKER(!!!!) in Ivan’s gut?!?! YOWZA!!! Four more kills. And a carpet-cleaning charge.
• PELB calls Big Ivan and has a lengthy conversation full of admissions of guilt. It’s gotta be bugged.
• Yep! Jack’s pinned a mike on PELB’s collar and is taping all of this, but he’s bleeding pretty bad.
Thoughts: This week had a strong whiff of the crazy vibe that informed Season 7 where it didn’t matter if it was preposterous, as long as it was action-packed and entertaining. Jack On Fire is sorta working, but something’s gotta give with Prez Chumpy’s totally succumbing to Sudden Little Bitch Syndrome.
Hardcores: Jack, Jack, Jack, and JACK!!!!
Little Bitches: PELB, Prez Chumpy, Ivan in the hotel room with the poker.
Up Next: The big finish. Unless they’re lying about making movies and whack Jack – which would require the producers to go into hiding deeper than Salman Rushdie – it’s going to end up in a Pyrrhic victory at best and probably something downbeat and sad.
Episode Score: 8/10
JBBC: Jack busts caps in four while poking one in a manner too strong for Facebook brings the total to 132 kills.24
" 24 S8.21" Review – “Anyone Still Think Waterboarding’s Torture?”
Monday, May 10, 2010
Just found out that Chloe is the third cousin of a friend of mine and she was in town last week for an aunt's funeral. Small world.
24 S8.21 – “Anyone Still Think Waterboarding’s Torture?”
• Damp Boi is cuffed and sad panda about Starlittlebitch’s demise. (You’re the only one, pal.)
• Jack watches SB’s video file and is disappointed that it’s not a sex tape. Dammit!
• Mr. Dominic annoys Chloe by not answering her questions. She’s starting to think that Jack may be right about the cover-up. YA THINK?!?!?
• Jack gets to Mr. White’s command center and they have an impromptu “gruff guys sharing feelings” session.
• Tramp reporter Blonde Ambition reappears – memba her? – and takes a call from Jack to meet for coffee and evidence swapping.
• DB ends up in the white room w/o black curtains with Dom who easily manipulates DB into hating Jack. You suck, DB.
• Ivanka knows about Jack’s call. Drone Boi is starting to suspect that Chloe may be onto something.
• PELB hears the tape. Dom is sending the strike team to catch him.
• Chloe uses a Sprint phone – on the Now Network – to set up a mobile hot spot to get around Dom’s security. Good thing she’s not trying to use Sprint Nav to route a trip.
• Chloe sees DB, who’s being a useless little bitch, in his rat cage lockup. Boohoo, DB. Jack whacked your traitor squeeze. (America hates you even more than what you did to Buffy.)
• Sniperkov is at the mall and ready to air out the food court.
• Widow Regis corrects Prez Chumpy and PELB tells her they’re gonna get the evidence, so how about press announcement for some props and a “Whut whut?”
• Jack arrives at the mall and takes advantage of the fact he’s shorter than the average shopper to screen his way into the mall w/o being spotted. (Note to self: Hire Dolph Lungren as a human shield.)
• Sniperov has the drop on him, but because he was so busy peering thru his scope, he doesn’t know that Mr. White has snuck up on him. Whoops.
• Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Jack wipes out four crack Ruskie operatives. This never would’ve happened when Putin ran things.
• PELB is choosing his tie, but Dominic calls to tell him that Jack is jacking everything up. Dom tells him to bail, but PELB’s ego gets the better of him. Ivanka’s looking worried.
• Jack, Mr. White – not to be confused with Jack White, mind you – Blonde Ambition, and Sniperov walk out of the store, cross the street, and walk right into yet another of the conveniently vacant buildings with open doors that apparently litter the city.
• BA gets all whiny liberal on Jack when she realizes he may use more than wheedling to get info from Sniperov. Jeez, lady, they just sent a hit squad to whack you and they killed your sweet baboo, and you’re wanting to call Amnesty International?
• Sniperov finds out the hard way that there is nothing – N-O-T-H-I-N-G – that will stop Jack from f*cking your sh*t up when you’ve killed his lady love. Yikes!!! No, make that YIKES!!!
• Jack mops the off the SIM card – ewwwwwwwwwwww! - pops it in the phone, and gets PELB’s voice mail. Leave a message, Jack.
Thoughts: After her two-hour bout of Sudden Little Bitch Syndrome, Chloe is back on the right side, but now Jack is still hosed because Dom and PELB are on the scene. I’m not sure if I’m digging the telegraphed Jack On Fire theme they’re appearing to want to finish with. I love the single-minded-revenge flick genre, but do we want Jack to go out on a personal vendetta note and not some super-patriotic, Captain America blaze of awesome?
Hardcores: JACK!!!!
Little Bitches: Sniperov (spilled your guts there), Prez Chumpy, Damp Boi.
Up Next: Jack goes after PELB. Growl at him, Jack!
Episode Score: 8/10
JBBC: Jack busts caps in four and field-dresses a fifth to bring the total to 128 kills.
24 S8.21 – “Anyone Still Think Waterboarding’s Torture?”
• Damp Boi is cuffed and sad panda about Starlittlebitch’s demise. (You’re the only one, pal.)
• Jack watches SB’s video file and is disappointed that it’s not a sex tape. Dammit!
• Mr. Dominic annoys Chloe by not answering her questions. She’s starting to think that Jack may be right about the cover-up. YA THINK?!?!?
• Jack gets to Mr. White’s command center and they have an impromptu “gruff guys sharing feelings” session.
• Tramp reporter Blonde Ambition reappears – memba her? – and takes a call from Jack to meet for coffee and evidence swapping.
• DB ends up in the white room w/o black curtains with Dom who easily manipulates DB into hating Jack. You suck, DB.
• Ivanka knows about Jack’s call. Drone Boi is starting to suspect that Chloe may be onto something.
• PELB hears the tape. Dom is sending the strike team to catch him.
• Chloe uses a Sprint phone – on the Now Network – to set up a mobile hot spot to get around Dom’s security. Good thing she’s not trying to use Sprint Nav to route a trip.
• Chloe sees DB, who’s being a useless little bitch, in his rat cage lockup. Boohoo, DB. Jack whacked your traitor squeeze. (America hates you even more than what you did to Buffy.)
• Sniperkov is at the mall and ready to air out the food court.
• Widow Regis corrects Prez Chumpy and PELB tells her they’re gonna get the evidence, so how about press announcement for some props and a “Whut whut?”
• Jack arrives at the mall and takes advantage of the fact he’s shorter than the average shopper to screen his way into the mall w/o being spotted. (Note to self: Hire Dolph Lungren as a human shield.)
• Sniperov has the drop on him, but because he was so busy peering thru his scope, he doesn’t know that Mr. White has snuck up on him. Whoops.
• Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Jack wipes out four crack Ruskie operatives. This never would’ve happened when Putin ran things.
• PELB is choosing his tie, but Dominic calls to tell him that Jack is jacking everything up. Dom tells him to bail, but PELB’s ego gets the better of him. Ivanka’s looking worried.
• Jack, Mr. White – not to be confused with Jack White, mind you – Blonde Ambition, and Sniperov walk out of the store, cross the street, and walk right into yet another of the conveniently vacant buildings with open doors that apparently litter the city.
• BA gets all whiny liberal on Jack when she realizes he may use more than wheedling to get info from Sniperov. Jeez, lady, they just sent a hit squad to whack you and they killed your sweet baboo, and you’re wanting to call Amnesty International?
• Sniperov finds out the hard way that there is nothing – N-O-T-H-I-N-G – that will stop Jack from f*cking your sh*t up when you’ve killed his lady love. Yikes!!! No, make that YIKES!!!
• Jack mops the off the SIM card – ewwwwwwwwwwww! - pops it in the phone, and gets PELB’s voice mail. Leave a message, Jack.
Thoughts: After her two-hour bout of Sudden Little Bitch Syndrome, Chloe is back on the right side, but now Jack is still hosed because Dom and PELB are on the scene. I’m not sure if I’m digging the telegraphed Jack On Fire theme they’re appearing to want to finish with. I love the single-minded-revenge flick genre, but do we want Jack to go out on a personal vendetta note and not some super-patriotic, Captain America blaze of awesome?
Hardcores: JACK!!!!
Little Bitches: Sniperov (spilled your guts there), Prez Chumpy, Damp Boi.
Up Next: Jack goes after PELB. Growl at him, Jack!
Episode Score: 8/10
JBBC: Jack busts caps in four and field-dresses a fifth to bring the total to 128 kills.
"24 S8.20" Recap – “When You’ve Got That Itch, You Gotta Scratch Starbitch”
Monday, May 3, 2010
24 S8.20 – “When You’ve Got That Itch, You Gotta Scratch Starbitch”
• Widow Regis gives speech, but doesn’t start singing, “Don’t Cry For Me, Kreplochistan.”
• PELB and Dominic don’t have Starlittlebitch’s best interests at heart, not that she’s worried, ”Bring it on, you son of a bitch.”
• Jack and Damp Boi are at the safe house and Jack gives DB his bullets back. Harsh.
• SLBS-suffering Chloe orders a psyche eval for Jack when he’s brought in. How about you have your memory checked, babe, since you seem to have forgotten the past DECADE!
• Jack and Damp Boi infiltrate the safe house and trick the guards up to the roof by using the old “there’s a horny Girl Scout with free donuts on the roof” trick. (I’d require Asian schoolgirls with pizza to be tricked.)
• Mercenary D.B. warns that that it’s too danger…BAM!!!!! (Saw that coming, unlike D.B.) A quick firefight finnaly boosts the JBBC another 4 kills. Yay violence. More, please.
• Chloe is really annoyed that Jack’s loose again. Suck it, sourpuss.
• Jack threatens Starlittlebitch, it’s looking pretty haggard in an “entertained a frat on Homecoming Weekend” way that’s not so hot. The evidence is in a box in a van by the river, er, bank. Whatever.
• Why is Widow Regis smiling so much? Her husband has been dead less than 4 hours and she looks like she’s announcing her appearance on the next season of “The Widowette.”
• Prez Chumpy is freaking out over SB getting loose. PELB spins and puts Dominic into CTU. Chumpy abides.
• Ivan and PELB meet to worry about SB and Jack and send more bears after him. (And I don’t mean hairy gay dudes.)
• Jack, DB and SB arrive at the bank and the two major questions are: 1) Will DB find a way to sell out Jack (since we see him busted at that doorway in the previews), and B) should Jack pick the toaster oven or clock radio with iPod dock for opening a new account?
• Dominic arrives with sidekick Ivanka Trump and takes over the manhunt for Jack. Chloe is uber-annoyed, but may be starting to realize how pwned she is getting. Kill orders are issued.
• While waiting for the safe deposit box, SB tells her boo-boo-kitty backstory to DB. He’s smart enough to figure a gun’s in the box (maybe he saw her with a gun in the preview), but not bright enough to realize a flashbang is in the box, too. (I smelled that coming.)
• Dominic finds Jack on the bank feed and sends the local flatfoots to get pwned by Jack. (A couple days after the real NYPD kept people in Times Square from getting blowed up, it’s a little lame to see them so easy jumped and shot Terminator 2-style, but such is TV.)
• Jack chases Starbitch down and corners her, getting the evidence. She tries to make a deal with the most pissed off guy on the planet and FAILS EPICALLY as Jack summarily executes the character who (at the command of her writers) single-handedly destroyed 24!!!! That counts as ONE HUNDRED KILLS!!!!!
Thoughts: While it’s nice to have the most crowd-pleasing moment of Jackitude since he yelled at Janeane Garofalo last year, the cost has been too high to bear.
Hardcores: Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, and JACK!!!!
Little Bitches: Chloe, Prez Chumpy, Starbitch (BIH), Damp Boi.
Up Next: Now the Ruskies get a crack at Jack and Jack gets a blow torch. (Making crème brûlée, perhaps?)
Episode Score: 7/10
JBBC: With the dispatching of Agent D.B., three Red Shirts and Starbitch, Jack’s kill count soars to an all-time high of 123 kills! Booyah!!!!
• Widow Regis gives speech, but doesn’t start singing, “Don’t Cry For Me, Kreplochistan.”
• PELB and Dominic don’t have Starlittlebitch’s best interests at heart, not that she’s worried, ”Bring it on, you son of a bitch.”
• Jack and Damp Boi are at the safe house and Jack gives DB his bullets back. Harsh.
• SLBS-suffering Chloe orders a psyche eval for Jack when he’s brought in. How about you have your memory checked, babe, since you seem to have forgotten the past DECADE!
• Jack and Damp Boi infiltrate the safe house and trick the guards up to the roof by using the old “there’s a horny Girl Scout with free donuts on the roof” trick. (I’d require Asian schoolgirls with pizza to be tricked.)
• Mercenary D.B. warns that that it’s too danger…BAM!!!!! (Saw that coming, unlike D.B.) A quick firefight finnaly boosts the JBBC another 4 kills. Yay violence. More, please.
• Chloe is really annoyed that Jack’s loose again. Suck it, sourpuss.
• Jack threatens Starlittlebitch, it’s looking pretty haggard in an “entertained a frat on Homecoming Weekend” way that’s not so hot. The evidence is in a box in a van by the river, er, bank. Whatever.
• Why is Widow Regis smiling so much? Her husband has been dead less than 4 hours and she looks like she’s announcing her appearance on the next season of “The Widowette.”
• Prez Chumpy is freaking out over SB getting loose. PELB spins and puts Dominic into CTU. Chumpy abides.
• Ivan and PELB meet to worry about SB and Jack and send more bears after him. (And I don’t mean hairy gay dudes.)
• Jack, DB and SB arrive at the bank and the two major questions are: 1) Will DB find a way to sell out Jack (since we see him busted at that doorway in the previews), and B) should Jack pick the toaster oven or clock radio with iPod dock for opening a new account?
• Dominic arrives with sidekick Ivanka Trump and takes over the manhunt for Jack. Chloe is uber-annoyed, but may be starting to realize how pwned she is getting. Kill orders are issued.
• While waiting for the safe deposit box, SB tells her boo-boo-kitty backstory to DB. He’s smart enough to figure a gun’s in the box (maybe he saw her with a gun in the preview), but not bright enough to realize a flashbang is in the box, too. (I smelled that coming.)
• Dominic finds Jack on the bank feed and sends the local flatfoots to get pwned by Jack. (A couple days after the real NYPD kept people in Times Square from getting blowed up, it’s a little lame to see them so easy jumped and shot Terminator 2-style, but such is TV.)
• Jack chases Starbitch down and corners her, getting the evidence. She tries to make a deal with the most pissed off guy on the planet and FAILS EPICALLY as Jack summarily executes the character who (at the command of her writers) single-handedly destroyed 24!!!! That counts as ONE HUNDRED KILLS!!!!!
Thoughts: While it’s nice to have the most crowd-pleasing moment of Jackitude since he yelled at Janeane Garofalo last year, the cost has been too high to bear.
Hardcores: Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, and JACK!!!!
Little Bitches: Chloe, Prez Chumpy, Starbitch (BIH), Damp Boi.
Up Next: Now the Ruskies get a crack at Jack and Jack gets a blow torch. (Making crème brûlée, perhaps?)
Episode Score: 7/10
JBBC: With the dispatching of Agent D.B., three Red Shirts and Starbitch, Jack’s kill count soars to an all-time high of 123 kills! Booyah!!!!
"24 S8.19" Recap – “Sudden Little Bitch Syndrome”
Monday, April 26, 2010
24 S8.19 – “Sudden Little Bitch Syndrome”
• Jack lands in Manhattan after eluding some fake CGI choppers. Jack slips into the crowd on the streets of L.A….wait, what? Chloe looks annoyeder.
• Junction Jack tell Prez Chumpy she’s gonna eat it unless she bags the peace deal. She reluctantly agrees…
• …and then goes up the elevator where PELB awaits to push her into having his pals at Blackwater disappear Starbitch and waterboard the intel out of her and keep her and the info under wraps. FAIL!
• Chumpy annoys Chloe with the order to transfer Starbitch.
• Jack buys a stack of cell phones and calls Chloe who doesn’t believe him. Huh?
• Jack then calls Vic Vega for guns and guns and some guns.
• Blackwater lackey D.B. arrives at CTU, but calls Mr. Dominic to suggest wasting Starbitch and gets the wait-and-see.
• Chloe does something to D.B.’s phone, but hands over Starbitch who is suddenly a lot less tough.
• Chloe calls Damp Boi and tells him to set up a sting on Jack. He questions it, but she’s apparently caught the same Sudden Little Bitch Syndrome that got Chumpy – is it an airborne contagion? – and is going with it. LAME!
• Jack gets to Vega’s place and picks up his metric ton of guns. Raspy voice showdown is a tie.
• LAMELAMELAME! Chloe is setting Jack up?!?! WTF?!?!?!? Jack has NEVER been wrong and now she’s punking out?!? FAIL!!!!! SLBS is a killer.
• Chumpy tells JJ that she’s running PELB’s playbook. JJ is disgusted at Chumpy’s bleating about the greater good. JJ tries to talk her in; she ain’t buying. So he quits. Yes!! Someone with integrity for a change.
• Widow Regis and Fajita have a tender moment.
• Jack is at the ambush site (unsafe house?) and manages to bitchslap Damp Boi’s entire squad. He knew Chloe was setting him up? How?!? Who can he trust if he can’t trust Chloe? We’d all trust Chloe!!!
• Jack spells it out for Damp Boi: join him on heroic rogue ops or go down for his association with Starbuckitch. Hmmm…
• JJ tells PELB he’s watching him. Woohoo. PELB is unrattled.
• Starbitch is about to become Starlittlebitch. Boohoo.
• Chumpy bloviates about peace and blah-blah-woof-woof. JJ slinks out while Starlittlebitch gets wet. Widow Regis looks hot in black.
Thoughts: Other than Junction Jack’s speech to Chumpy calling her on losing her way in trying to get one thing good out of her tragic service as Prez, the writing tag team of Braga and Coto rely on SLBS to spread pseudo-motivation for characters acting more and more out of character. Other than JJ and Jack, is there anyone left who isn’t severely to hopelessly compromised? Yeesh.
Hardcores: Jack, Junction Jack.
Little Bitches: Chloe, Prez Chumpy, Starlittlebitch, consistency of characters.
Up Next: Everyone wants Jack out of the way and Star…whatever gets a gun.
Episode Score: 6/10
JBBC: Still 19.
• Jack lands in Manhattan after eluding some fake CGI choppers. Jack slips into the crowd on the streets of L.A….wait, what? Chloe looks annoyeder.
• Junction Jack tell Prez Chumpy she’s gonna eat it unless she bags the peace deal. She reluctantly agrees…
• …and then goes up the elevator where PELB awaits to push her into having his pals at Blackwater disappear Starbitch and waterboard the intel out of her and keep her and the info under wraps. FAIL!
• Chumpy annoys Chloe with the order to transfer Starbitch.
• Jack buys a stack of cell phones and calls Chloe who doesn’t believe him. Huh?
• Jack then calls Vic Vega for guns and guns and some guns.
• Blackwater lackey D.B. arrives at CTU, but calls Mr. Dominic to suggest wasting Starbitch and gets the wait-and-see.
• Chloe does something to D.B.’s phone, but hands over Starbitch who is suddenly a lot less tough.
• Chloe calls Damp Boi and tells him to set up a sting on Jack. He questions it, but she’s apparently caught the same Sudden Little Bitch Syndrome that got Chumpy – is it an airborne contagion? – and is going with it. LAME!
• Jack gets to Vega’s place and picks up his metric ton of guns. Raspy voice showdown is a tie.
• LAMELAMELAME! Chloe is setting Jack up?!?! WTF?!?!?!? Jack has NEVER been wrong and now she’s punking out?!? FAIL!!!!! SLBS is a killer.
• Chumpy tells JJ that she’s running PELB’s playbook. JJ is disgusted at Chumpy’s bleating about the greater good. JJ tries to talk her in; she ain’t buying. So he quits. Yes!! Someone with integrity for a change.
• Widow Regis and Fajita have a tender moment.
• Jack is at the ambush site (unsafe house?) and manages to bitchslap Damp Boi’s entire squad. He knew Chloe was setting him up? How?!? Who can he trust if he can’t trust Chloe? We’d all trust Chloe!!!
• Jack spells it out for Damp Boi: join him on heroic rogue ops or go down for his association with Starbuckitch. Hmmm…
• JJ tells PELB he’s watching him. Woohoo. PELB is unrattled.
• Starbitch is about to become Starlittlebitch. Boohoo.
• Chumpy bloviates about peace and blah-blah-woof-woof. JJ slinks out while Starlittlebitch gets wet. Widow Regis looks hot in black.
Thoughts: Other than Junction Jack’s speech to Chumpy calling her on losing her way in trying to get one thing good out of her tragic service as Prez, the writing tag team of Braga and Coto rely on SLBS to spread pseudo-motivation for characters acting more and more out of character. Other than JJ and Jack, is there anyone left who isn’t severely to hopelessly compromised? Yeesh.
Hardcores: Jack, Junction Jack.
Little Bitches: Chloe, Prez Chumpy, Starlittlebitch, consistency of characters.
Up Next: Everyone wants Jack out of the way and Star…whatever gets a gun.
Episode Score: 6/10
JBBC: Still 19.
"24 S8.18" Recap – “Sellout, With Me Tonight! Sellout, With Me, Oh Yeah!”
Monday, April 19, 2010
24 S8.18 – “Sellout, With Me Tonight! Sellout, With Me, Oh Yeah!”
• Jack is sad over Red’s demising. It’s tough being the only one who can come back from the dead. Repeatedly.
• Chloe has to keep Jack on the leash now that she’s temporary boss. How annoying.
• Junction Jack is dressed and ready to work after being nearly dead a couple of hours ago. Remember when Wayne Palmer tried this? That worked, didn’t it?
• President Evil Little Bitch (PELB) meets with Ivan who looks like he wants to say, ”I’m eating here.”
• PELB tells Ivan he’s gonna blackmail him, but I sense that he’s actually offering himself up for bid. Weasel! Weasel! Weasel!
• Jack shows up at Das Boot’s arraignment. Lucky that the courthouse is downstairs from the hospital. Or he can teleport.
• Jack threatens to kill all of Das Boot’s family unless he tells who whacked Red. DB says it’s Moscow and that Starbitch was who controlled him.
• Once again, the epic fail of the Lifestime Starbuck plotline rears its ugly empty head as we’re supposed to believe the quivering mass of estrogen-flavored Jell-O from the first half of the season is this major player. Just unbelievable.
• Ivan agrees to sign deal. PELB is fist-pumping. Junction Jack doesn’t buy it.
• Jack’s heading back to CTU and gets into a cab and…wait, what? He’s not gonna beam there?
• Chloe wants Damp Boi to make sure Jack doesn’t get too crazy with Starbitch’s talking to.
• PELB wants his Secret Service guy dumped. Petty. Mr. Dominic knows what Jack is up to and Starbitch’s connection to the Ruskies. He must stop Jack.
• WHOOMPF!!! Jack slams Starbitches head on the table and slaps her around. Damp Boi gets the line of the night: ”Let ‘em play.”
• PELB tries to get Prez Cherry to chain up Jack, but she knew Red and ain’t buying it. Whoops.
• PELB spills the beans and JJ and Cherry are aghast. PELB shows why he’s the poster boy for Moral Compromise and tries to sell her a time share in Equivocation City. JJ is really against it. She’s gonna go talk to Jack at CTU.
• Prez arrives at CTU and gives a rah-rah speech for the troops. They’re like, ”Huh?
• Oh, crap. Prez Cherry becomes Prez Chumpy as she decides to stroke her peace spot and sell out Jack for her legacy, doing the deal with a bunch of untrustworthy people. Idiot. She locks down Jack. Bitch.
• Chumpy yells at Chloe. She’s not buying it either. Is everyone gonna go rogue?
• Jack jacks the choppa (Ahnuld pronunciation) - anyone surprised? – and takes off. Chloe calls in the FAA to force him down. Darn it!
Thoughts: I really, REALLY want to find the writers and punch them in the junk for the utter hash they’ve made of the 24 legacy with the utterly slipshod writing this year. It all boils down to poor Katee Sackoff’s character. They hire her and then saddle her with the worst character and plotlines in 24 history. (Yes, even worse than the Kim in the bear trap with the mountain lion/captured by Johnny Drama double-play.)
As I’ve groused about for three months now, they made her a hair-pulling (our hair) simp only to turn around and make her not only a badass, but now the key conduit for a massive international government-sponsored terrorist plot! Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?!? You have one of the few actresses which you can watch Jack Bauer smash her head into a table and punch her repeatedly in the face without wanting to call NOW on him, and you waste her like this?!? ARGH!!!!
And speaking of terribly-written women, let’s talk about Prez Chumpy. After last season, she sent her daughter to prison and sacrificed her marriage. Now, after some “greater good” specifying from PELB, she’s selling out all sympathy for the tough spot she’s in by throwing Jack and the truth under the bus. Who now isn’t rooting for this to blow up in her face?
Hardcores: Jack, Chloe.
Little Bitches: PELB, Prez Chumpy, common sense.
Up Next: Jack is an enemy of the state. He should just call Mrs. Regis and blow up the whole deal.
Episode Score: 8/10
JBBC: Since Jack didn’t kill common sense, his death toll remains at 19.
• Jack is sad over Red’s demising. It’s tough being the only one who can come back from the dead. Repeatedly.
• Chloe has to keep Jack on the leash now that she’s temporary boss. How annoying.
• Junction Jack is dressed and ready to work after being nearly dead a couple of hours ago. Remember when Wayne Palmer tried this? That worked, didn’t it?
• President Evil Little Bitch (PELB) meets with Ivan who looks like he wants to say, ”I’m eating here.”
• PELB tells Ivan he’s gonna blackmail him, but I sense that he’s actually offering himself up for bid. Weasel! Weasel! Weasel!
• Jack shows up at Das Boot’s arraignment. Lucky that the courthouse is downstairs from the hospital. Or he can teleport.
• Jack threatens to kill all of Das Boot’s family unless he tells who whacked Red. DB says it’s Moscow and that Starbitch was who controlled him.
• Once again, the epic fail of the Lifestime Starbuck plotline rears its ugly empty head as we’re supposed to believe the quivering mass of estrogen-flavored Jell-O from the first half of the season is this major player. Just unbelievable.
• Ivan agrees to sign deal. PELB is fist-pumping. Junction Jack doesn’t buy it.
• Jack’s heading back to CTU and gets into a cab and…wait, what? He’s not gonna beam there?
• Chloe wants Damp Boi to make sure Jack doesn’t get too crazy with Starbitch’s talking to.
• PELB wants his Secret Service guy dumped. Petty. Mr. Dominic knows what Jack is up to and Starbitch’s connection to the Ruskies. He must stop Jack.
• WHOOMPF!!! Jack slams Starbitches head on the table and slaps her around. Damp Boi gets the line of the night: ”Let ‘em play.”
• PELB tries to get Prez Cherry to chain up Jack, but she knew Red and ain’t buying it. Whoops.
• PELB spills the beans and JJ and Cherry are aghast. PELB shows why he’s the poster boy for Moral Compromise and tries to sell her a time share in Equivocation City. JJ is really against it. She’s gonna go talk to Jack at CTU.
• Prez arrives at CTU and gives a rah-rah speech for the troops. They’re like, ”Huh?
• Oh, crap. Prez Cherry becomes Prez Chumpy as she decides to stroke her peace spot and sell out Jack for her legacy, doing the deal with a bunch of untrustworthy people. Idiot. She locks down Jack. Bitch.
• Chumpy yells at Chloe. She’s not buying it either. Is everyone gonna go rogue?
• Jack jacks the choppa (Ahnuld pronunciation) - anyone surprised? – and takes off. Chloe calls in the FAA to force him down. Darn it!
Thoughts: I really, REALLY want to find the writers and punch them in the junk for the utter hash they’ve made of the 24 legacy with the utterly slipshod writing this year. It all boils down to poor Katee Sackoff’s character. They hire her and then saddle her with the worst character and plotlines in 24 history. (Yes, even worse than the Kim in the bear trap with the mountain lion/captured by Johnny Drama double-play.)
As I’ve groused about for three months now, they made her a hair-pulling (our hair) simp only to turn around and make her not only a badass, but now the key conduit for a massive international government-sponsored terrorist plot! Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?!? You have one of the few actresses which you can watch Jack Bauer smash her head into a table and punch her repeatedly in the face without wanting to call NOW on him, and you waste her like this?!? ARGH!!!!
And speaking of terribly-written women, let’s talk about Prez Chumpy. After last season, she sent her daughter to prison and sacrificed her marriage. Now, after some “greater good” specifying from PELB, she’s selling out all sympathy for the tough spot she’s in by throwing Jack and the truth under the bus. Who now isn’t rooting for this to blow up in her face?
Hardcores: Jack, Chloe.
Little Bitches: PELB, Prez Chumpy, common sense.
Up Next: Jack is an enemy of the state. He should just call Mrs. Regis and blow up the whole deal.
Episode Score: 8/10
JBBC: Since Jack didn’t kill common sense, his death toll remains at 19.
"24 S8.17" Recap – “No Time For Love, Dr. Jack.”
Monday, April 12, 2010
24 S8.17 – “No Time For Love, Dr. Jack.”
• Jack is emo over Regis’ death. Why? He gave himself up. Jack should be yelling at the body, ”I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THIS!!! DAMMIT!!!!”
• Who is this ambulance guy conveniently there to kill Dante? Hmmm, Red knows him. Ruskie?
• Jack hands the operation over to Damp Boi. Well, that’s gonna work out, based on prior performance.
• Ivan moves in and talks to Kreplochistan’s delegate, Ben Gazarra.
• EMT calls Ivan. So we’re back to Russians as the baddies? He remembers Red.
• Ben suggests that Mrs. Regis take over the throne. Her husband just died 20 minutes ago, so why does she look hotter than ever?
• Bubba gets the sack and Chloe gets to run CTU?!? That should lead to some uncomfortable motivational speeches.
• Jack and Red arrive at Chez Jack and she lets her hair down – wow, she’s less severe-looking this way – and Jack move to get his jack on. Hey! No time for love, Dr. Jones!
• No kidding. Some anonymous Hebrew gets shived by the EMT and he’s got a scope out for Jack and Red who already humping like Skinemax characters.
• Wait…EMT follows them to his building and he is able to find the appropriate apartment in a building across the street with a view of Jack’s open windows from which to snipe them? In about five minutes?!?
• Ivan doesn’t like the idea of letting Mrs. Regis step him. Bad bear!! BAD!!!
• Junction Jack has a suggestion for Prez Cheery to get the Ruskies back: President Evil Little Bitch (PELB) who apparently has been aware all along what’s going in. Bad PELB! BAD!!!
• Bubba says goodbye – victim of the writers Starbuck dumbness.
• Dante croaks, annoying Chloe very much. ”Find out why he died! I’ll be in Bubba's, er, my office hanging up my ‘Hang in there, baby’ kitty poster.”
• Fajita is upset that Mrs. R plans on taking over.
• Prez Cherry meets with PELB and his aide de camp Mr. Dominic (from Dollhouse).
• PELB shows why he has been El Grande Weasel of 24 all these years. He’s got something up his sleeve, but Cherry’s so desperate, she’s got to let him in to do his thing. Everyone’s gonna regret it, aren’t they?
• After a half hour of straight Jacking, it’s frosty beverage time. Jeez, all those bandages didn’t come undone?
• Uh-oh, Chloe’s calls Red and Red needs to take the phone out to Jack and you guessed it. Pew! Pew! Pew!
• Jack carries her down 15 flights of stairs and gets her to the hospital in about 3 minutes.
• Is anyone surprised and/or shocked that Red didn’t make it? Really? Silent clock out for the 2nd week in a row
Thoughts: OK, this was a transitional episode as new villains – both Russian and PELB – are moved onto the board and what little shred of happiness Jack can eke out of this life is snatched away. After the way all his prior relationships have ended, you’d think by now that Jack would be telling prospective liaisons, ”You’re really pretty and I like you a lot, but in all likelihood you’re gonna end up killed by an ex-girlfriend, tortured and brainwashed by Chinese, or picked off by a sniper who you know always got the giant stuffed gorilla at the carnival, so perhaps you should just mosey along.” I hope this leads to Jack killing everyone real hard.
Hardcores: Chloe.
Little Bitches: Agent Red (RIP), Jack’s heart.
Up Next: PELB shens and Jack attacks.
Episode Score: 8/10
JBBC: Unless you want to count Red against him, holding at 19.
• Jack is emo over Regis’ death. Why? He gave himself up. Jack should be yelling at the body, ”I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THIS!!! DAMMIT!!!!”
• Who is this ambulance guy conveniently there to kill Dante? Hmmm, Red knows him. Ruskie?
• Jack hands the operation over to Damp Boi. Well, that’s gonna work out, based on prior performance.
• Ivan moves in and talks to Kreplochistan’s delegate, Ben Gazarra.
• EMT calls Ivan. So we’re back to Russians as the baddies? He remembers Red.
• Ben suggests that Mrs. Regis take over the throne. Her husband just died 20 minutes ago, so why does she look hotter than ever?
• Bubba gets the sack and Chloe gets to run CTU?!? That should lead to some uncomfortable motivational speeches.
• Jack and Red arrive at Chez Jack and she lets her hair down – wow, she’s less severe-looking this way – and Jack move to get his jack on. Hey! No time for love, Dr. Jones!
• No kidding. Some anonymous Hebrew gets shived by the EMT and he’s got a scope out for Jack and Red who already humping like Skinemax characters.
• Wait…EMT follows them to his building and he is able to find the appropriate apartment in a building across the street with a view of Jack’s open windows from which to snipe them? In about five minutes?!?
• Ivan doesn’t like the idea of letting Mrs. Regis step him. Bad bear!! BAD!!!
• Junction Jack has a suggestion for Prez Cheery to get the Ruskies back: President Evil Little Bitch (PELB) who apparently has been aware all along what’s going in. Bad PELB! BAD!!!
• Bubba says goodbye – victim of the writers Starbuck dumbness.
• Dante croaks, annoying Chloe very much. ”Find out why he died! I’ll be in Bubba's, er, my office hanging up my ‘Hang in there, baby’ kitty poster.”
• Fajita is upset that Mrs. R plans on taking over.
• Prez Cherry meets with PELB and his aide de camp Mr. Dominic (from Dollhouse).
• PELB shows why he has been El Grande Weasel of 24 all these years. He’s got something up his sleeve, but Cherry’s so desperate, she’s got to let him in to do his thing. Everyone’s gonna regret it, aren’t they?
• After a half hour of straight Jacking, it’s frosty beverage time. Jeez, all those bandages didn’t come undone?
• Uh-oh, Chloe’s calls Red and Red needs to take the phone out to Jack and you guessed it. Pew! Pew! Pew!
• Jack carries her down 15 flights of stairs and gets her to the hospital in about 3 minutes.
• Is anyone surprised and/or shocked that Red didn’t make it? Really? Silent clock out for the 2nd week in a row
Thoughts: OK, this was a transitional episode as new villains – both Russian and PELB – are moved onto the board and what little shred of happiness Jack can eke out of this life is snatched away. After the way all his prior relationships have ended, you’d think by now that Jack would be telling prospective liaisons, ”You’re really pretty and I like you a lot, but in all likelihood you’re gonna end up killed by an ex-girlfriend, tortured and brainwashed by Chinese, or picked off by a sniper who you know always got the giant stuffed gorilla at the carnival, so perhaps you should just mosey along.” I hope this leads to Jack killing everyone real hard.
Hardcores: Chloe.
Little Bitches: Agent Red (RIP), Jack’s heart.
Up Next: PELB shens and Jack attacks.
Episode Score: 8/10
JBBC: Unless you want to count Red against him, holding at 19.
"24 S8.15-16" Recaps - “You’re Not A Martyr When You Volunteer For It”/“24 Pickup”
Monday, April 5, 2010
24 S8.15 – “You’re Not A Martyr When You Volunteer For It”
• General Mayhem is refusing to let Weasel get help for Junction Jack, then lies to Prez Cherry.
• Regis gets all noble and jacks Jack, handing himself over to the bud guys. He’s hair’s looking mussy. Perhaps he hopes the jihadis have some product?
• Dante gives Zaboo the stop order with 7 seconds left. Good thing he wasn’t calling on an iPhone otherwise NYC would be the setting of Fallout 4.
• Jack punches thru reinforced glass with his elbow in several blows. He could’ve bashed it down with one swing of his dick if he wasn’t in the presence of ladies.
• Jack sends Renee with the women to the AFB. Let the skirts – well, pantsuits – do the grunt jobs, caveman.
• Jack tells Prez Cherry that her lackeys suck (again) and he’s trying to get Regis back, heisting a sweet ride from the one guy who apparently never heard that leaving your car running in Manhattan is not very advisable.
• Zaboo swaps the dirty bomb for Regis.
• Prez Cherry busts all the traitors and bitchslaps Weasel who’s pretty smug about his treason.
• Bubba orders Chloe and Starbitch to coordinate with Jack, so SB takes this as a good time to reroute the servers, which is code for “call Dante.” Chloe looks a little more annoyed, but doesn’t seem to be catching on.
• Damp Boi comes back to CTU and reminds me that I despise him for making Sarah Michelle Gellar quit Buffy to spend time and spawn with him. ATTICA!!!
• Zaboo tells Regis that he hates him so hard and Regis tears up. Hair’s getting real messy.
• Junction Jack is carted off and the ladies have arrived at the base.
• What’s up with Cherry and Red? Something about the reason Red got cashiered?
• That’s a Hyundai? Snazzy.
• Starbitch sneaks into the server room to feed intel but, whoops, Drone Boy is in there and suspicious. He manages to avoid getting strangled and SB tips off Zaboo, but at what point does someone snag her? I thought she was gonna open a door and find some guns pointed at her at the break.
• Zaboo hides out in the parking garage and then takes a header off the roof, landing on Regis’ side. Ouch! Problem is that because of last week’s preview, we know Regis isn’t killed. Way to spoil, sports. Who’s the fake blonde?
• Jack has Zaboo’s phone meaning he can backtrace Starbitch. They’re gonna set up a secure uplink, but why couldn’t Jack tell Chloe that he’s gonna call the last number and to have whoever at CTU’s phone rings taken into custody?
24 S8.16 – “24 Pickup”
• Starbitch tries to sneak out but the Red Shirt actually does his job. The way they played it was deliberately meant to make loyal viewers scream in disbelief, wasn’t it? Who thought she was gonna get let out? Me, too.
• Prez Cherry is told Regis is with the terrorists and now the Ruskies are sniffing around. WTF is this about?
• Red tells Chloe about the phone.
• Starbitch needs to work on Bubba’s workstation to fix her card. Bubba gets called by Chloe. The noose is tightening.
• They decrypt the phone and discover it’s her. She hands her card over to the Red Shirt but she’s already been flagged. WHOA!!!! She whips out a gat and caps a pair of Red Shirts.
• Damp Boi is all confused by what’s happening. Bubba wants to know what he knew. He honestly answers, ”Nothing.” Der, Sherlock!
• Big gunfight with the predictable finish of Damp Boi stopping her.
• She tells Bubba she wants to talk only to Jack. May I again mention that this is the same woman who 12 hours ago was such a quivering heap of failness that she was getting bossed around by a pair of rednecks?
• Bubba wants some answers from DB. He knows he’s screwed. Eat it, punk.
• Jack interrogates Starbitch, slamming her up against the wall after she makes her standard-issue (for 24) demand of full immunity, a clean record, 18 pounds of cheddar cheese and the continent of Australia! She doesn’t even flinch. Boy, if she wasn’t evil, she’d be the perfect wingman for the Continuing Adventures of Jack.
• Regis tries to reason with Dante who appears to be interested for about one second before slapping him and ordering his torture.
• Prez Cherry and Junction Jack mull options if Regis eats it.
• Bubba gives Damp Boi his gun back and tells him Starbitch is briefing the team. They bump into each other in the hall and a longing look of…who am I kidding? Wedding’s off, kids; and you ain’t getting the deposits back.
• Regis is getting stun-gunned and still resisting. Doesn’t Dante know that all he has to do is threaten his hair?
• The JihadToobe broadcast starts with Dante reading his list of grievances – ”He has sold out our country to the infidels; he drinks milk out of the carton; and he hogs up the mirror doing his hair for an hour before the posse goes to the Roxbury.” - and Chloe is able to deduce where Regis most likely is.
• Jack gives the assault orders to the Red Shirts and tells Red he wants her behind him. Why? So he can be her human shield?
• POW! POW! Lookouts down.
• Jack said get down, so he put you down, Bub!
• They pinpoint the apartment the broadcast is coming from and Jack lockpicks his way in. Boy, he’s got some mad petty criminal skillz what with heisting the Hyundai and the locksmithing.
• Red watches the lady of the house and spots the wig, winning the quick draw contest with Jihadi Jenna.
• Powpowpow!!! Jack whacks the guys around the laptop and…OH, CRAP!!! THEY’RE TOO LATE!!!
Thoughts: Wow. Didn’t see that ending coming. When did they switch from going live and switch to the tape? This is a bummer ending and gets the silent clock treatment. Now that all is lost for 24, the show has finally caught fire with a consistency and intensity equal to the better “lesser” seasons like Season 7 last year.
The total botching of the Lifetime Starbuck to Starbitch plot arc has been the greatest failing of this season. This single mistake over all pretty much ended the series and I demand an explanation how they totally wasted Katee Sackoff – Hermione call her “Suckoff.” Meowch! – and screwed everything up for 12+ hours only to try and convince us that everything we saw before was a front for the badass we got now. Sure, they managed to pull back the stick in time to keep the plane from smashing into the ground, but it was too little, too late. Argh!
Hardcores: Jack, Red, Starbitch, Zaboo (BIH).
Little Bitches: Red Shirts, Regis (RIP), peace itself.
Up Next: With the rods recaptured and just about all of the bad guys caught or dead, what’s gonna happen for the next 8 hours? A standoff with the Ruskies requiring the assistance of President Evil Little Bitch? Yeesh.
Episodes Score: 1st Hour: 9/10; 2nd Hour: 9.5/10 – the hands-down best hours of the season; no need to grade on a curve.
JBBC: Four for Jack, bringing the count to 19.
• General Mayhem is refusing to let Weasel get help for Junction Jack, then lies to Prez Cherry.
• Regis gets all noble and jacks Jack, handing himself over to the bud guys. He’s hair’s looking mussy. Perhaps he hopes the jihadis have some product?
• Dante gives Zaboo the stop order with 7 seconds left. Good thing he wasn’t calling on an iPhone otherwise NYC would be the setting of Fallout 4.
• Jack punches thru reinforced glass with his elbow in several blows. He could’ve bashed it down with one swing of his dick if he wasn’t in the presence of ladies.
• Jack sends Renee with the women to the AFB. Let the skirts – well, pantsuits – do the grunt jobs, caveman.
• Jack tells Prez Cherry that her lackeys suck (again) and he’s trying to get Regis back, heisting a sweet ride from the one guy who apparently never heard that leaving your car running in Manhattan is not very advisable.
• Zaboo swaps the dirty bomb for Regis.
• Prez Cherry busts all the traitors and bitchslaps Weasel who’s pretty smug about his treason.
• Bubba orders Chloe and Starbitch to coordinate with Jack, so SB takes this as a good time to reroute the servers, which is code for “call Dante.” Chloe looks a little more annoyed, but doesn’t seem to be catching on.
• Damp Boi comes back to CTU and reminds me that I despise him for making Sarah Michelle Gellar quit Buffy to spend time and spawn with him. ATTICA!!!
• Zaboo tells Regis that he hates him so hard and Regis tears up. Hair’s getting real messy.
• Junction Jack is carted off and the ladies have arrived at the base.
• What’s up with Cherry and Red? Something about the reason Red got cashiered?
• That’s a Hyundai? Snazzy.
• Starbitch sneaks into the server room to feed intel but, whoops, Drone Boy is in there and suspicious. He manages to avoid getting strangled and SB tips off Zaboo, but at what point does someone snag her? I thought she was gonna open a door and find some guns pointed at her at the break.
• Zaboo hides out in the parking garage and then takes a header off the roof, landing on Regis’ side. Ouch! Problem is that because of last week’s preview, we know Regis isn’t killed. Way to spoil, sports. Who’s the fake blonde?
• Jack has Zaboo’s phone meaning he can backtrace Starbitch. They’re gonna set up a secure uplink, but why couldn’t Jack tell Chloe that he’s gonna call the last number and to have whoever at CTU’s phone rings taken into custody?
24 S8.16 – “24 Pickup”
• Starbitch tries to sneak out but the Red Shirt actually does his job. The way they played it was deliberately meant to make loyal viewers scream in disbelief, wasn’t it? Who thought she was gonna get let out? Me, too.
• Prez Cherry is told Regis is with the terrorists and now the Ruskies are sniffing around. WTF is this about?
• Red tells Chloe about the phone.
• Starbitch needs to work on Bubba’s workstation to fix her card. Bubba gets called by Chloe. The noose is tightening.
• They decrypt the phone and discover it’s her. She hands her card over to the Red Shirt but she’s already been flagged. WHOA!!!! She whips out a gat and caps a pair of Red Shirts.
• Damp Boi is all confused by what’s happening. Bubba wants to know what he knew. He honestly answers, ”Nothing.” Der, Sherlock!
• Big gunfight with the predictable finish of Damp Boi stopping her.
• She tells Bubba she wants to talk only to Jack. May I again mention that this is the same woman who 12 hours ago was such a quivering heap of failness that she was getting bossed around by a pair of rednecks?
• Bubba wants some answers from DB. He knows he’s screwed. Eat it, punk.
• Jack interrogates Starbitch, slamming her up against the wall after she makes her standard-issue (for 24) demand of full immunity, a clean record, 18 pounds of cheddar cheese and the continent of Australia! She doesn’t even flinch. Boy, if she wasn’t evil, she’d be the perfect wingman for the Continuing Adventures of Jack.
• Regis tries to reason with Dante who appears to be interested for about one second before slapping him and ordering his torture.
• Prez Cherry and Junction Jack mull options if Regis eats it.
• Bubba gives Damp Boi his gun back and tells him Starbitch is briefing the team. They bump into each other in the hall and a longing look of…who am I kidding? Wedding’s off, kids; and you ain’t getting the deposits back.
• Regis is getting stun-gunned and still resisting. Doesn’t Dante know that all he has to do is threaten his hair?
• The JihadToobe broadcast starts with Dante reading his list of grievances – ”He has sold out our country to the infidels; he drinks milk out of the carton; and he hogs up the mirror doing his hair for an hour before the posse goes to the Roxbury.” - and Chloe is able to deduce where Regis most likely is.
• Jack gives the assault orders to the Red Shirts and tells Red he wants her behind him. Why? So he can be her human shield?
• POW! POW! Lookouts down.
• Jack said get down, so he put you down, Bub!
• They pinpoint the apartment the broadcast is coming from and Jack lockpicks his way in. Boy, he’s got some mad petty criminal skillz what with heisting the Hyundai and the locksmithing.
• Red watches the lady of the house and spots the wig, winning the quick draw contest with Jihadi Jenna.
• Powpowpow!!! Jack whacks the guys around the laptop and…OH, CRAP!!! THEY’RE TOO LATE!!!
Thoughts: Wow. Didn’t see that ending coming. When did they switch from going live and switch to the tape? This is a bummer ending and gets the silent clock treatment. Now that all is lost for 24, the show has finally caught fire with a consistency and intensity equal to the better “lesser” seasons like Season 7 last year.
The total botching of the Lifetime Starbuck to Starbitch plot arc has been the greatest failing of this season. This single mistake over all pretty much ended the series and I demand an explanation how they totally wasted Katee Sackoff – Hermione call her “Suckoff.” Meowch! – and screwed everything up for 12+ hours only to try and convince us that everything we saw before was a front for the badass we got now. Sure, they managed to pull back the stick in time to keep the plane from smashing into the ground, but it was too little, too late. Argh!
Hardcores: Jack, Red, Starbitch, Zaboo (BIH).
Little Bitches: Red Shirts, Regis (RIP), peace itself.
Up Next: With the rods recaptured and just about all of the bad guys caught or dead, what’s gonna happen for the next 8 hours? A standoff with the Ruskies requiring the assistance of President Evil Little Bitch? Yeesh.
Episodes Score: 1st Hour: 9/10; 2nd Hour: 9.5/10 – the hands-down best hours of the season; no need to grade on a curve.
JBBC: Four for Jack, bringing the count to 19.
"24 S8.14" Recap - “Jack in the Land of the CHUDs”
Monday, March 29, 2010
24 S8.14 – “Jack in the Land of the CHUDs”
• Jack’s ribs have been pulverized, but he’s blowing it off cuz he’s BADASS!
• Now Evil Starbuck is knocking out satellites to let Dante slip away. Where was this chick when the hillbillies were bossing her around?
• Junction Jack’s back with Prez Cherry and he’s not happy. Bubba can’t guarantee the Big Apple. Someone’s career is in trouble.
• Prez Cherry wants Jack to help protect Regis. This is the same woman who was having Jack arrested last season for torture. Bitch. Make up your mind!
• Red wants to stick with Jack on the mission. Is she gonna die? Nah, too early. Jack’s women die in the last hour.
• Dante gets the rods to Akbar the Bomba. Yay Evil Starbuck! Wait, what?!?
• Did Jack catch a chopper to the UN or did he just will himself and Red there?
• Jack tells Regis the plan. Regis asks, “How does my hair look? Awesome? Awesome!”
• Dante calls Prez Cherry and demands Regis in exchange for not nuking the city. Good thing he’s not doing this with Detroit; they’d take him up on the opportunity to improve it.
• Prez’s Weasel Whom I Never Nicknamed thinks we should toss Regis to the wolves. Prez Cherry gets all righteous and rah-rah over recovering from the Carnegie Deli being nuked. Huzzah!
• Evil Starbuck – that’s too much to type – Starbitch asks Chloe for the police routes. Chloe looks annoyed, not suspicious.
• Dante checks in on Akbar, who’s whispering, ”Who’s a dirty bomb? You’re a dirty bomb!”
• It took 13-1/2 hours, but another familiar 24 trope has finally arrived: The rogue op by seditious government agents to give up Regis with plausible deniability.
• Did Chloe spot what Starbitch is up to?
• Bubba gives a rah-rah speech. Might have more impact if he hasn’t been a dumbass all day.
• Zaboo drives the bomb to the Upper West Side. TriBeCa peeps breathe a sigh of relief.
• General Mayhem thinks that Jack doesn’t stand a chance against his full operational battle station, er, elite stormtrooper squad. Yeah, right.
• Junction Jack walks in on them and figures out what they’re up to, but has a really poorly-timed heart attack. (Not that there’s a good time to go Code Blue, mind you.)
• Jack is suspicious of JJ’s dial and hang up. Yeah, there’s an ambush coming.
• Good thing there’s a bunch of cover in this tunnel, no? When I see this in a game, I know there’s a firefight up ahead.
• Weasel blows the bluff with Jack and he figures that something’s up.
• Big chaotic gunfight and I’m not sure how many, if any, Jack got. There have been different directors this year – what happened to Jon Cassar? – and they’re definitely not up to past scratch. Too much Paul Greengrass wannabeism.
• Jack and Red use smoke to easily ambush General Mayhem’s super-duper trooper squad. When I played paintball I wouldn’t have gone into a smoked up room, so what’s their story?
• Jack whacks five and gets saved by Regis from the last Red Shirt who tells them what the plan is.
• Dante tells Zaboo to do the do and start the final countdown. (Do-da-doo-doo, do-da-do-do-do!!!)
Thoughts: Isn’t it ironic that just as series has hit some semblance of a stride, it’s too late because the show’s been canned. Even though it’s finally given a good dose of tension again, the festering conundrum of Starbuck/Starbitch just sits there stinking up the place. There is just no way to square her behavior for the first half of the day with what she’s doing now.
Hardcores: Jack, Red, Starbitch, Regis, Prez Cherry, Weasel, General Mayhem.
Little Bitches: Red Shirts, Junction Jack.
Up Next: Jeez, way to give away a zillion story beats for the two-hour Double Power Hours next week, Fox. Regis sacrifices himself, Starbitch taunts Jack – THIS IS THE SAME WOMAN WHO COULDN’T SHOO OFF A PAIR OF HILLBILLIES!!!! – and the long-awaited return of the not-dead President Evil Little Bitch.
Episodes Score: 8.5/10 – Starbitch sucks off a half-point.
JBBC: I’m scoring five for Jack, bringing the count to 15; finally above a one-per-hour average.
• Jack’s ribs have been pulverized, but he’s blowing it off cuz he’s BADASS!
• Now Evil Starbuck is knocking out satellites to let Dante slip away. Where was this chick when the hillbillies were bossing her around?
• Junction Jack’s back with Prez Cherry and he’s not happy. Bubba can’t guarantee the Big Apple. Someone’s career is in trouble.
• Prez Cherry wants Jack to help protect Regis. This is the same woman who was having Jack arrested last season for torture. Bitch. Make up your mind!
• Red wants to stick with Jack on the mission. Is she gonna die? Nah, too early. Jack’s women die in the last hour.
• Dante gets the rods to Akbar the Bomba. Yay Evil Starbuck! Wait, what?!?
• Did Jack catch a chopper to the UN or did he just will himself and Red there?
• Jack tells Regis the plan. Regis asks, “How does my hair look? Awesome? Awesome!”
• Dante calls Prez Cherry and demands Regis in exchange for not nuking the city. Good thing he’s not doing this with Detroit; they’d take him up on the opportunity to improve it.
• Prez’s Weasel Whom I Never Nicknamed thinks we should toss Regis to the wolves. Prez Cherry gets all righteous and rah-rah over recovering from the Carnegie Deli being nuked. Huzzah!
• Evil Starbuck – that’s too much to type – Starbitch asks Chloe for the police routes. Chloe looks annoyed, not suspicious.
• Dante checks in on Akbar, who’s whispering, ”Who’s a dirty bomb? You’re a dirty bomb!”
• It took 13-1/2 hours, but another familiar 24 trope has finally arrived: The rogue op by seditious government agents to give up Regis with plausible deniability.
• Did Chloe spot what Starbitch is up to?
• Bubba gives a rah-rah speech. Might have more impact if he hasn’t been a dumbass all day.
• Zaboo drives the bomb to the Upper West Side. TriBeCa peeps breathe a sigh of relief.
• General Mayhem thinks that Jack doesn’t stand a chance against his full operational battle station, er, elite stormtrooper squad. Yeah, right.
• Junction Jack walks in on them and figures out what they’re up to, but has a really poorly-timed heart attack. (Not that there’s a good time to go Code Blue, mind you.)
• Jack is suspicious of JJ’s dial and hang up. Yeah, there’s an ambush coming.
• Good thing there’s a bunch of cover in this tunnel, no? When I see this in a game, I know there’s a firefight up ahead.
• Weasel blows the bluff with Jack and he figures that something’s up.
• Big chaotic gunfight and I’m not sure how many, if any, Jack got. There have been different directors this year – what happened to Jon Cassar? – and they’re definitely not up to past scratch. Too much Paul Greengrass wannabeism.
• Jack and Red use smoke to easily ambush General Mayhem’s super-duper trooper squad. When I played paintball I wouldn’t have gone into a smoked up room, so what’s their story?
• Jack whacks five and gets saved by Regis from the last Red Shirt who tells them what the plan is.
• Dante tells Zaboo to do the do and start the final countdown. (Do-da-doo-doo, do-da-do-do-do!!!)
Thoughts: Isn’t it ironic that just as series has hit some semblance of a stride, it’s too late because the show’s been canned. Even though it’s finally given a good dose of tension again, the festering conundrum of Starbuck/Starbitch just sits there stinking up the place. There is just no way to square her behavior for the first half of the day with what she’s doing now.
Hardcores: Jack, Red, Starbitch, Regis, Prez Cherry, Weasel, General Mayhem.
Little Bitches: Red Shirts, Junction Jack.
Up Next: Jeez, way to give away a zillion story beats for the two-hour Double Power Hours next week, Fox. Regis sacrifices himself, Starbitch taunts Jack – THIS IS THE SAME WOMAN WHO COULDN’T SHOO OFF A PAIR OF HILLBILLIES!!!! – and the long-awaited return of the not-dead President Evil Little Bitch.
Episodes Score: 8.5/10 – Starbitch sucks off a half-point.
JBBC: I’m scoring five for Jack, bringing the count to 15; finally above a one-per-hour average.
"24 S8.13" Recap - “Writers Meeting at the Karaoke Bar”
Monday, March 22, 2010
24 S8.13 – “Writers Meeting at the Karaoke Bar”
• EMP aftermath – it’s been 5 minutes and they’re acting like it’s been a half-hour later judging by how much has transpired.
• Zaboo is having remorse for selling out Fajita. No kidding. She won’t be giving up her falafel to him anytime soon.
• Jack calls an old pal who happens to be working at 3 am and then guesses the exact dock that the Jihd Gang is shipping the rods from. Good thing the bad guys had time to put a quartet of snipers all over the place just in case someone found them there. Wait, what?
• NSA shows up and in the midst of a national security emergency, they have time to get into a dick-measuring contest with Bubba and CTU.
• Bubba rallies the troops with some Chumbawumba lyrics. OK, this is deliberate; no way have there been this many song lyric references this year.
• Chloe has a good idea to get online but NSA blocks her. Hmmmm, I wonder if they’re evil or just the usual government a-holes.
• Oh, there’s Agent Red; at Casa de la Jack. She’s looking remarkably refreshed for someone who was a total mess the last time we saw her.
• MILTON Yahoo is still jonesing for the Starbuck tapes. First lameness of the hour arrives halfway in.
• I guess NSA techs aren’t armed as Chloe whips a gat on them. This isn’t gonna end well, is it?
• Jeez, is that gun fight still going on and no one has called the local cops? Is gunfire like that that common in Brooklyn these days?
• Jack tries to reassure the Red Shirts, but as expected they screw it up and get themselves capped. Full Metal Jacket homage.
• Fajita is back at the UN and Regis is gonna ground her for eleventy-gajillion years.
• Screaming Trees lyrics now?!? Oh, come on!!!
• They bust in on Chloe who convinces Bubba to give her 10 minutes to win it. Starbuck disagrees with her plan and we all know what a good egg she’s been .
• For crap’s sake, why the hell doesn’t Bubba tell Milton to come back during business hours. ”Hmmmm, I’ve got a national security threat; my agency has been blinded by terrorists; I’ve got my nerds ready to cat fight and pulling guns on the intra-agency nerds; why not take the meeting with the probation officer from the Ozarks?”
• Yay, Chloe!!! NSA dweeb is like, ”Whutevah.”
• Why the heck didn’t Jack and Damp Boi put on the Red Shirt’s armor or at least helmets? Good thing that Red showed up in time to save the day, no?
• Line of the Week: Chloe, “I’m not good with praise.”
• Starbuck goes to see Milton and WHOA!!!! Starbuck goes hardcore and garrotes him! Yeah, like that body’s not gonna start smelling in the vents. Where the hell was this chick all day?
• Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me!!! Starbuck’s a jihadi mole?!?!? We’re supposed to believe she’s been laying low and dodging hicks from the sticks all day like a kicked puppy and now she’s a badass terrorist insider?!?!?!?
Thoughts: Another really solid episode with good tension until the very end when you can just tell that the writers stopped trying to shoehorn in song references to amuse themselves and tried to address the fact that Starbuck has been a total annoying doormat all day long. It just doesn’t make any sense and the desperate changeup was really noticeable and means that CTU’s screening has to be even worse than initially thought.
Hardcores: Jack, Chloe, Evil Starbuck.
Little Bitches: Red Shirts, minions, NSA dweebs, Milton Yahoo, common sense.
Up Next: Judging from the lightness of the sky, it looks like they previewed the next few hours where we’re going to be playing “Find the Dirty Bomb,” the new show on the Game Show Channel.
Episodes Score: 8/10 – I was gonna give it a 9, but the Derka Starbuck twist was just too stupid.
JBBC: Jack finally pops another pair, so he’s up to 10.
• EMP aftermath – it’s been 5 minutes and they’re acting like it’s been a half-hour later judging by how much has transpired.
• Zaboo is having remorse for selling out Fajita. No kidding. She won’t be giving up her falafel to him anytime soon.
• Jack calls an old pal who happens to be working at 3 am and then guesses the exact dock that the Jihd Gang is shipping the rods from. Good thing the bad guys had time to put a quartet of snipers all over the place just in case someone found them there. Wait, what?
• NSA shows up and in the midst of a national security emergency, they have time to get into a dick-measuring contest with Bubba and CTU.
• Bubba rallies the troops with some Chumbawumba lyrics. OK, this is deliberate; no way have there been this many song lyric references this year.
• Chloe has a good idea to get online but NSA blocks her. Hmmmm, I wonder if they’re evil or just the usual government a-holes.
• Oh, there’s Agent Red; at Casa de la Jack. She’s looking remarkably refreshed for someone who was a total mess the last time we saw her.
• MILTON Yahoo is still jonesing for the Starbuck tapes. First lameness of the hour arrives halfway in.
• I guess NSA techs aren’t armed as Chloe whips a gat on them. This isn’t gonna end well, is it?
• Jeez, is that gun fight still going on and no one has called the local cops? Is gunfire like that that common in Brooklyn these days?
• Jack tries to reassure the Red Shirts, but as expected they screw it up and get themselves capped. Full Metal Jacket homage.
• Fajita is back at the UN and Regis is gonna ground her for eleventy-gajillion years.
• Screaming Trees lyrics now?!? Oh, come on!!!
• They bust in on Chloe who convinces Bubba to give her 10 minutes to win it. Starbuck disagrees with her plan and we all know what a good egg she’s been .
• For crap’s sake, why the hell doesn’t Bubba tell Milton to come back during business hours. ”Hmmmm, I’ve got a national security threat; my agency has been blinded by terrorists; I’ve got my nerds ready to cat fight and pulling guns on the intra-agency nerds; why not take the meeting with the probation officer from the Ozarks?”
• Yay, Chloe!!! NSA dweeb is like, ”Whutevah.”
• Why the heck didn’t Jack and Damp Boi put on the Red Shirt’s armor or at least helmets? Good thing that Red showed up in time to save the day, no?
• Line of the Week: Chloe, “I’m not good with praise.”
• Starbuck goes to see Milton and WHOA!!!! Starbuck goes hardcore and garrotes him! Yeah, like that body’s not gonna start smelling in the vents. Where the hell was this chick all day?
• Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me!!! Starbuck’s a jihadi mole?!?!? We’re supposed to believe she’s been laying low and dodging hicks from the sticks all day like a kicked puppy and now she’s a badass terrorist insider?!?!?!?
Thoughts: Another really solid episode with good tension until the very end when you can just tell that the writers stopped trying to shoehorn in song references to amuse themselves and tried to address the fact that Starbuck has been a total annoying doormat all day long. It just doesn’t make any sense and the desperate changeup was really noticeable and means that CTU’s screening has to be even worse than initially thought.
Hardcores: Jack, Chloe, Evil Starbuck.
Little Bitches: Red Shirts, minions, NSA dweebs, Milton Yahoo, common sense.
Up Next: Judging from the lightness of the sky, it looks like they previewed the next few hours where we’re going to be playing “Find the Dirty Bomb,” the new show on the Game Show Channel.
Episodes Score: 8/10 – I was gonna give it a 9, but the Derka Starbuck twist was just too stupid.
JBBC: Jack finally pops another pair, so he’s up to 10.
"24 S8.12" Recap - “Banks, Cranks, and Automobombs”
Monday, March 15, 2010
24 S8.12 – “Banks, Cranks, and Automobombs”
• Things come roaring out of the box with a continuation of last week’s tight finish as Zaboo and Fajita escape the hotel because the local flatfoot SWAT team doesn’t listen to Jack. DAMMIT!!!
• In a bank vault, a Kreplochistan flag is hanging. Dante calls someone who’s waiting for the nuke rods, keeping busy by building a Heathkit.
• Aw, crap…Marvin Yahoo has shown up at CTU, thus dragging the show back to its worst storyline of the season. [Banging head on desk.] Starbuck lies and makes herself sound lamer than she really is, if that’s possible.
• Jack goes to the UN and wonders what Regis is hiding?
• Zaboo drags Fajita to Dante and then looks unhappy that his boo is being tied up for propaganda purposes. Ya think?!? Will love conquer jihad? (With 12 more hours to go, doubtful.)
• Danta puts Fajita on JihadTube demanding that Regis give him File 33, which I’m guessing is the secret ingredients in Jamba Juice.
• Oh, it’s not; it’s top secret intel about where our defenses are weak…clipped from articles in the New York Times.
• Zaboo is getting all whining with Dante. ”She wasn’t supposed to get hurt.” Wah wah wah.
• Oh, FRAK!!! Marvin Yahoo is back, knowing just about every secret Starbuck has. Who the hell is this guy. BTW, there is no such thing as a “100-gig thumb drive.” Gah!!
• Starbuck calls Damp Boi and says she’s gonna hand the evidence over. WTF doesn’t she just cap this guy? Yeah, the glass walls are a problem, but…
• Zaboo punks out on the jihad and rabbits with Fajita. Of course, Mr. Head of Security gets out of the car to fight a Red Shirt and then gets capped by Dante. (Little. Bitch.) Fajita drives off, plowing into parked cars like a typical woman driver. (j/k, ladies)
• Jack and Damp Boi find the bank empty. Whoops, Zaboo is still alive. There’s gotta be a bomb in Fajita’s wheels.
• Yeppers!!! She delivers the bomb – oooh, it’s an EMP; there go the iPods (and all the security videos that Starbuck was gonna hand over) – and now CTU is blind. Tick-tock!!!
Thoughts: With the obvious exception of the festering Lifetime Starbuck garbage, this is the first HOUR of 24 this season that’s felt like vintage stuff. There were several tense gut-tightening moments including the ending. Clever use of an EMP instead of a plain old incendiary bomb, but how did they know she’d be arriving within a few moments of it going off? She could’ve taken down Times Square instead.
Hardcores: No one, really. Even Jack was mostly driving around town being smarter than everyone else.
Little Bitches: Fajita, Starbuck, CTU.
Up Next: Jeez, Marvin Yahoo is still barking for the video and they’re trying to make it look like Jack’s gonna die. Yeah, right. What are they going to do with the next 11 hours if they do that? Anyone remember that there were a bunch of Russians as major players a few hours ago and where did Agent Red disappear off to?
Episodes Score: 8.5/10.
JBBC: Still 8. Booooo!!!
• Things come roaring out of the box with a continuation of last week’s tight finish as Zaboo and Fajita escape the hotel because the local flatfoot SWAT team doesn’t listen to Jack. DAMMIT!!!
• In a bank vault, a Kreplochistan flag is hanging. Dante calls someone who’s waiting for the nuke rods, keeping busy by building a Heathkit.
• Aw, crap…Marvin Yahoo has shown up at CTU, thus dragging the show back to its worst storyline of the season. [Banging head on desk.] Starbuck lies and makes herself sound lamer than she really is, if that’s possible.
• Jack goes to the UN and wonders what Regis is hiding?
• Zaboo drags Fajita to Dante and then looks unhappy that his boo is being tied up for propaganda purposes. Ya think?!? Will love conquer jihad? (With 12 more hours to go, doubtful.)
• Danta puts Fajita on JihadTube demanding that Regis give him File 33, which I’m guessing is the secret ingredients in Jamba Juice.
• Oh, it’s not; it’s top secret intel about where our defenses are weak…clipped from articles in the New York Times.
• Zaboo is getting all whining with Dante. ”She wasn’t supposed to get hurt.” Wah wah wah.
• Oh, FRAK!!! Marvin Yahoo is back, knowing just about every secret Starbuck has. Who the hell is this guy. BTW, there is no such thing as a “100-gig thumb drive.” Gah!!
• Starbuck calls Damp Boi and says she’s gonna hand the evidence over. WTF doesn’t she just cap this guy? Yeah, the glass walls are a problem, but…
• Zaboo punks out on the jihad and rabbits with Fajita. Of course, Mr. Head of Security gets out of the car to fight a Red Shirt and then gets capped by Dante. (Little. Bitch.) Fajita drives off, plowing into parked cars like a typical woman driver. (j/k, ladies)
• Jack and Damp Boi find the bank empty. Whoops, Zaboo is still alive. There’s gotta be a bomb in Fajita’s wheels.
• Yeppers!!! She delivers the bomb – oooh, it’s an EMP; there go the iPods (and all the security videos that Starbuck was gonna hand over) – and now CTU is blind. Tick-tock!!!
Thoughts: With the obvious exception of the festering Lifetime Starbuck garbage, this is the first HOUR of 24 this season that’s felt like vintage stuff. There were several tense gut-tightening moments including the ending. Clever use of an EMP instead of a plain old incendiary bomb, but how did they know she’d be arriving within a few moments of it going off? She could’ve taken down Times Square instead.
Hardcores: No one, really. Even Jack was mostly driving around town being smarter than everyone else.
Little Bitches: Fajita, Starbuck, CTU.
Up Next: Jeez, Marvin Yahoo is still barking for the video and they’re trying to make it look like Jack’s gonna die. Yeah, right. What are they going to do with the next 11 hours if they do that? Anyone remember that there were a bunch of Russians as major players a few hours ago and where did Agent Red disappear off to?
Episodes Score: 8.5/10.
JBBC: Still 8. Booooo!!!
"24 S8.11" Recap – “Rocking Under Pressure”
Monday, March 8, 2010
24 S8.11 – “Rocking Under Pressure”
• Things start off with an impending bang as Jack needs to get Muhammad Blue-Eyes out of the Jacko Box. They decide to bring his gringo mom in.
• Damp Boi and Lifetime Starbuck are all tense and stuff in the elevator. Does Freddie Prinze Jr. know that The Sopranos isn’t on anymore and that he can’t use this as an audition tape?
• Bubba chews them out just like every black cop show captain ever.
• Dante’s lackeys are monitoring the hospital feeds, too.
• Starbuck now reports to Chloe who shows that she’s got the empathy skills of a barbed wire-wrapped cinder block. Drone Boy tries to move in.
• Jack tries to charm MBE out of the chamber, but he’s all jihad. How is it that the air controls are in the chamber other than to have them in a realistic spot would mean Jack could shut the air off, knock out MBE and then take him at his leisure? The writers are hoping no one will notice this gap.
• Zaboo and Fajita are all naked and sweaty indicating that these two can’t figure out how to work the room’s thermostat properly. Try turning it to the left, kids.
• Slumdog Regis and the missus are reunited and it doesn’t feel so good. Gee, a few hours ago he was rounding up everyone for torture and now you’re feeling remorseful? It’s like having Chinese food as a moral center.
• Damp Boi picks up Gringo Mom and she’s all like, “He must’ve fallen in with a bad element.” Ya think?!?
• Just as Starbuck starts trying to crawl out of the hole she’s dug, another Yahoo from back home calls and she, of course, agrees to take the meeting. She calls Damp Boi and the lame dial gets twisted back to the right. Yay.
• Well, it’s about fraking time!!! The whole segment with MBE and mom and then Jack threatening to take her to the blast site was the first time in this entire season that felt like vintage 24. INTENSE!
• Closing segment with Fajita learning that Zaboo and then being a bad liar also didn’t suck.
Thoughts: After 10 hours and 40 minutes of lameness, 24 has finally shown a spark that almost made me forget that the Hillbilly Starbuck plot is going to drag on. More tension, less lameness, please.
Hardcores: Jack for talking MBE out of the chamber as hardcore has he could without bashing the door down with his dick.
Little Bitches: Muhammad Blue-Eyes (RIP); Starbuck.
Up Next: WTF is with the preview giving away the times of plot beats and announcing that there will be a twist?!?!? ARGH!!!
Episodes Score: 8/10. (That one segment: 9.5/10)
JBBC: While it’s tempting to give Jack a point for that hardcore staredown scene, he remains holding at 8.
• Things start off with an impending bang as Jack needs to get Muhammad Blue-Eyes out of the Jacko Box. They decide to bring his gringo mom in.
• Damp Boi and Lifetime Starbuck are all tense and stuff in the elevator. Does Freddie Prinze Jr. know that The Sopranos isn’t on anymore and that he can’t use this as an audition tape?
• Bubba chews them out just like every black cop show captain ever.
• Dante’s lackeys are monitoring the hospital feeds, too.
• Starbuck now reports to Chloe who shows that she’s got the empathy skills of a barbed wire-wrapped cinder block. Drone Boy tries to move in.
• Jack tries to charm MBE out of the chamber, but he’s all jihad. How is it that the air controls are in the chamber other than to have them in a realistic spot would mean Jack could shut the air off, knock out MBE and then take him at his leisure? The writers are hoping no one will notice this gap.
• Zaboo and Fajita are all naked and sweaty indicating that these two can’t figure out how to work the room’s thermostat properly. Try turning it to the left, kids.
• Slumdog Regis and the missus are reunited and it doesn’t feel so good. Gee, a few hours ago he was rounding up everyone for torture and now you’re feeling remorseful? It’s like having Chinese food as a moral center.
• Damp Boi picks up Gringo Mom and she’s all like, “He must’ve fallen in with a bad element.” Ya think?!?
• Just as Starbuck starts trying to crawl out of the hole she’s dug, another Yahoo from back home calls and she, of course, agrees to take the meeting. She calls Damp Boi and the lame dial gets twisted back to the right. Yay.
• Well, it’s about fraking time!!! The whole segment with MBE and mom and then Jack threatening to take her to the blast site was the first time in this entire season that felt like vintage 24. INTENSE!
• Closing segment with Fajita learning that Zaboo and then being a bad liar also didn’t suck.
Thoughts: After 10 hours and 40 minutes of lameness, 24 has finally shown a spark that almost made me forget that the Hillbilly Starbuck plot is going to drag on. More tension, less lameness, please.
Hardcores: Jack for talking MBE out of the chamber as hardcore has he could without bashing the door down with his dick.
Little Bitches: Muhammad Blue-Eyes (RIP); Starbuck.
Up Next: WTF is with the preview giving away the times of plot beats and announcing that there will be a twist?!?!? ARGH!!!
Episodes Score: 8/10. (That one segment: 9.5/10)
JBBC: While it’s tempting to give Jack a point for that hardcore staredown scene, he remains holding at 8.
The 2010 Oscars Livesnark Post
Sunday, March 7, 2010
* A lot of bad makeup on the ladies. Sandra Bullock has this clownish pink lipstick; Secretariat Jessica Parker has a drugstore spray tan; a lot of humidity-frizzed hair.
* Interesting floor layout.
* Cute opening number from Dr. Horrible.
* Steve Martin about Meryl Streep, "Can that woman act and what's up with all the Hitler memorabilia?"
* Good opener with Steve and Alec. A-
* I like the color of Penelope Cruz's dress, but not the style.
* I like how they're showing a montage of clips from the nominated performances instead of one snip. Very cool. Hope they keep this for future shows.
* Cristophe Waltz wins and gives an odd speech, but beats the timer.
* Pixar wins for Best Animated Feature. Well, I'm out of the Oscar pool. Never saw this coming.
* Miley looks like she forgot to put her top on.
* "Hi, I'm Chris Pine. I was in the big sci-fi hit that wasn't nominated to introduce one that did."
* Is Robert Downey Jr. wearing sneakers? Funny routine with Tina Fey.
* Molly Ringwald looks weird. What's with those bangles? Good John Hughes tribute. I was thinking it'd be cool to get some other cast members out there and they did it. I think it'd be cool if they had a bunch of ninja babes come out for a pillow fight.
* Carie Education's earrings are atrocious. Both hers and Zoe Saldana's dresses are terrible. Are all the gay men in Hollywood on strike?
* I look at the Logorama clip and wonder how they cleared the usage of all of those. Funny acceptance speech.
* What the hell was that woman cutting off the Music by Prudence acceptance speech about? I thought someone just crashed the stage. Rude and stupid.
* Well, that whole segment was a momentum killer.
* Ben Stiller's bit straddled the link between clever and stupid a little too shakily.
* I have no fraking idea why A Serious Man is here other than the Coens are the current holders of the totem which grants automatic nomination to anything they make regardless of quality. (Previous holder: Woody Allen.) I turned this thing off after 20 minutes and there wasn't a frame of the nom montage than makes me think I was hasty in my decision.
* Precious' Best Adapted Screenplay award was a surprise, wasn't it? But what's the deal with writers sucking at their speeches? Great save by Steve Martin.
* Mo'nique wins for Precious, thus wrecking my Oscar pool even more. Nice dress and flower in her hair.
* The only one of the Best Pics I haven't seen yet - other than A Serious Man, which I shut off - is An Education which I got about a half-hour into before I had to do something else. I want to get back to it.
* Gawd, Suzy Amis looks bad; too skinny. Is Cameron draining her life force or something.
* "Clothes whores." Heh.
* They should really more of the costume nominees. Classy, funny speech. Nice dress. What was her name again?
* WTF is Charlize Theron wearing?
* Funny Paranormal Activity spoof.
* What's with the stairs that the women are needing a spotter to get down them?
* Hurt Locker wins Sound Editing and Mixing - an omen for Best Picture? Looks that way.
* Bullock's dress is great, but her hair and makeup are lame.
* Avatar wins Cinematography; odd considering there was so little actual filming with real cameras of real things.
* What's with all the dresses having bandage tops and Muppet-like froo-froo bottoms?
* The People Who Died Roll Call: Karl Malden wins the clap-off.
* The don't have time to do even bits of the Best Song nominees, but they can do a huge dance number for Score? Poppin' and lockin' for the Hurt Locker? Yeesh.
* Question: What was Mo'Nique referring to when she said "it's the performance, not the politics"? Something happen?
* Michael Giacchino is the new John Williams. Very versatile.
* Jeez, Suzy Amis looks like Clint Eastwood. Meanwhile, right in front of her and Cameron is the ex-Mrs. JC, the damn hawt Kathryn Bigelow. She's 58? Hubba-hubba.
* Stop and ponder this: Academy Award winner Fisher Stevens. (Yeah, me too.)
* Hurt Locker wins Editing. More mo? Looks so.
* Couldn't Tarantino find a jacket that fit?
* Aw, crap; they've brought back last year's terrible "tribute" presentation of the acting nominees. Just awful. SHOW CLIPS and blow less smoke up their arses, please. Ugh. I guess Sam Rockwell is lucky to not have endure this.
* Jeff Bridges started off good, then wandered off into Dude-ville and not in a good way. Good for him to finally get some bling.
* What was Sean Penn babbling about? Must be quite a struggle to keep his Tourette's in check.
* Bullock picked up her Razzie last night in person and now has an Oscar. Busy weekend! Super-classy speech and funny. They love her in this town.
* Babs comes out to marginalize the black and female director nominees as tokens. Jason Reitman looks like Dave Grohl.
* Bigelow is better looking than some of the movie stars here tonight.
* The little movie about bomb disposal wins over the Biggest Movie of All-Time, thus continuing the Oscars need to punish the films that keep the lights on in favor of little flicks that scratch their artiste itch.
* Watching Mo'Nique kill in the backstage press conference on E! now. Very funny and pays tribute to Hattie McDaniel. She's taken over the order of questions.
Overall, a decent show, but not very exciting other than watching Avatar lose technical awards you'd think would be a lock. Steve and Alec were funny, but underused. Hurt Locker was OK, but too sloppy in its accuracy and lacked an arc. If I had a ballot, I would've voted for District 9 for Best Picture because it had the most things right that even Avatar and Hurt Locker didn't. Of course, this is because (500) Days of Summer didn't get squat. Screw the Academy.
* Interesting floor layout.
* Cute opening number from Dr. Horrible.
* Steve Martin about Meryl Streep, "Can that woman act and what's up with all the Hitler memorabilia?"
* Good opener with Steve and Alec. A-
* I like the color of Penelope Cruz's dress, but not the style.
* I like how they're showing a montage of clips from the nominated performances instead of one snip. Very cool. Hope they keep this for future shows.
* Cristophe Waltz wins and gives an odd speech, but beats the timer.
* Pixar wins for Best Animated Feature. Well, I'm out of the Oscar pool. Never saw this coming.
* Miley looks like she forgot to put her top on.
* "Hi, I'm Chris Pine. I was in the big sci-fi hit that wasn't nominated to introduce one that did."
* Is Robert Downey Jr. wearing sneakers? Funny routine with Tina Fey.
* Molly Ringwald looks weird. What's with those bangles? Good John Hughes tribute. I was thinking it'd be cool to get some other cast members out there and they did it. I think it'd be cool if they had a bunch of ninja babes come out for a pillow fight.
* Carie Education's earrings are atrocious. Both hers and Zoe Saldana's dresses are terrible. Are all the gay men in Hollywood on strike?
* I look at the Logorama clip and wonder how they cleared the usage of all of those. Funny acceptance speech.
* What the hell was that woman cutting off the Music by Prudence acceptance speech about? I thought someone just crashed the stage. Rude and stupid.
* Well, that whole segment was a momentum killer.
* Ben Stiller's bit straddled the link between clever and stupid a little too shakily.
* I have no fraking idea why A Serious Man is here other than the Coens are the current holders of the totem which grants automatic nomination to anything they make regardless of quality. (Previous holder: Woody Allen.) I turned this thing off after 20 minutes and there wasn't a frame of the nom montage than makes me think I was hasty in my decision.
* Precious' Best Adapted Screenplay award was a surprise, wasn't it? But what's the deal with writers sucking at their speeches? Great save by Steve Martin.
* Mo'nique wins for Precious, thus wrecking my Oscar pool even more. Nice dress and flower in her hair.
* The only one of the Best Pics I haven't seen yet - other than A Serious Man, which I shut off - is An Education which I got about a half-hour into before I had to do something else. I want to get back to it.
* Gawd, Suzy Amis looks bad; too skinny. Is Cameron draining her life force or something.
* "Clothes whores." Heh.
* They should really more of the costume nominees. Classy, funny speech. Nice dress. What was her name again?
* WTF is Charlize Theron wearing?
* Funny Paranormal Activity spoof.
* What's with the stairs that the women are needing a spotter to get down them?
* Hurt Locker wins Sound Editing and Mixing - an omen for Best Picture? Looks that way.
* Bullock's dress is great, but her hair and makeup are lame.
* Avatar wins Cinematography; odd considering there was so little actual filming with real cameras of real things.
* What's with all the dresses having bandage tops and Muppet-like froo-froo bottoms?
* The People Who Died Roll Call: Karl Malden wins the clap-off.
* The don't have time to do even bits of the Best Song nominees, but they can do a huge dance number for Score? Poppin' and lockin' for the Hurt Locker? Yeesh.
* Question: What was Mo'Nique referring to when she said "it's the performance, not the politics"? Something happen?
* Michael Giacchino is the new John Williams. Very versatile.
* Jeez, Suzy Amis looks like Clint Eastwood. Meanwhile, right in front of her and Cameron is the ex-Mrs. JC, the damn hawt Kathryn Bigelow. She's 58? Hubba-hubba.
* Stop and ponder this: Academy Award winner Fisher Stevens. (Yeah, me too.)
* Hurt Locker wins Editing. More mo? Looks so.
* Couldn't Tarantino find a jacket that fit?
* Aw, crap; they've brought back last year's terrible "tribute" presentation of the acting nominees. Just awful. SHOW CLIPS and blow less smoke up their arses, please. Ugh. I guess Sam Rockwell is lucky to not have endure this.
* Jeff Bridges started off good, then wandered off into Dude-ville and not in a good way. Good for him to finally get some bling.
* What was Sean Penn babbling about? Must be quite a struggle to keep his Tourette's in check.
* Bullock picked up her Razzie last night in person and now has an Oscar. Busy weekend! Super-classy speech and funny. They love her in this town.
* Babs comes out to marginalize the black and female director nominees as tokens. Jason Reitman looks like Dave Grohl.
* Bigelow is better looking than some of the movie stars here tonight.
* The little movie about bomb disposal wins over the Biggest Movie of All-Time, thus continuing the Oscars need to punish the films that keep the lights on in favor of little flicks that scratch their artiste itch.
* Watching Mo'Nique kill in the backstage press conference on E! now. Very funny and pays tribute to Hattie McDaniel. She's taken over the order of questions.
Overall, a decent show, but not very exciting other than watching Avatar lose technical awards you'd think would be a lock. Steve and Alec were funny, but underused. Hurt Locker was OK, but too sloppy in its accuracy and lacked an arc. If I had a ballot, I would've voted for District 9 for Best Picture because it had the most things right that even Avatar and Hurt Locker didn't. Of course, this is because (500) Days of Summer didn't get squat. Screw the Academy.
"24 S8.10" Recap – “You Brought A Bomb On Me, Baby”
Monday, March 1, 2010
24 S8.10 – “You Brought A Bomb On Me, Baby”
• We start off tonight’s festivities with our other happy couple, Fajita and Zaboo. He has a plan to escape and they’ll be together.
• Back to Starbuck and Damp Boi and….oh, f*ck the both of them.
• Bubba calls Prez Cherry and tells her that Schwartzman is surrendering and then mysteriously grows a pair to tell the-lackey-as-yet-unnamed that Agent Red’s getting a pass.
• Jack has Red Shirts named Kane and Lynch with him? What’s with the Supernatural-grade alias? Who are next, Mario and Luigi?
• Prez asks Regis for this secret files. His hair seems to be wilting a bit.
• Zaboo escapes and all I can think is that the city skyline was probably composited in post.
• Schwartzman forgets to stay under cover and gets capped. Dante is waiting at the Infidel Diner for shooter to arrive.
• Prez gets the bad news about bomb yields via Cisco Product Placement teleconference. They actually had to mention the product name; the logo wouldn’t suffice?
• Fajita and Zaboo reunite at a very conveniently located hotel. They are so happy. (He’s dead.)
• Schwartzman is dead, Jim, but Jack’s got a plan. Bubba thinks the plan is non-standard. Dude, Jack isn’t asking to saw the head off and put it in a bowling bag, so chillax.
• Everyone else is able to do so much in a few minutes and Starbuck and DB can’t dispose of a couple of bodies in 20 minutes? FAIL!
• Dante is unhappy as Fox News reports that Schwartzman is alive. (Keith Olbermann demands to go on MSNBC immediately to denounce Fox for broadcasting misinformation.) Muhammad Blue-Eyes calls his gringo mother and tells her to blow town before they blow the town.
• Jack’s reassures the scared Red Shirt. He is so dead. (Red Shirt, that is.)
• They’re evacuating the UN for a secure location. I suggest Scores since no one goes there anymore.
• MBE has set us up the bomb.
• WTF is with Red calling Jack and being all Basil Exposition as if anyone’s tuning in just now to the show? That is so really hacky writing.
• OK, Dead Meat just showed us why his nickname of “Mr. Poker” was ironic. Jack tries to buck him up, but he gets a hit on his Little Bitch cards. Lame.
• Regis calls Mrs. Regis to tell her about Fajita running off.
• Mr. Poker tries to call MBE’s bluff. Yup, he’s got a bomb. Now what, kid?
• OK, that was stupid. MBE jumps out the window and Jack doesn’t shoot him in the legs to keep him from running, OK, hobbling off and locking himself in the Michael Jackson Memorial Pressure Chamber.
• Dante tells MBE he needs to blow himself up real good. Wouldn’t it be wacky if the blast was contained inside the chamber? Jack should drag his mama down for leverage.
Thoughts: Some moments of tension, but really, where is this all going? They’ll probably wrap this threat up in a few hours and then what?
Hardcores: Chloe for defusing bombs under pressure.
Little Bitches: Schwartzman (RIP); Starbuck; Mr. Poker; Damp Boi; oh, screw it, everyone but Jack.
Up Next: Jack drags Muhammad Blue-Eyes’ mama down for leverage and – oh, goodie – Buford’s daddy is coming to town looking for sonny. Oh crap, we’re gonna have to follow this BS plotline some more?
Episode Score: 5/10.
JBBC: Jack fails to bust any caps, leaving the tally at 8
• We start off tonight’s festivities with our other happy couple, Fajita and Zaboo. He has a plan to escape and they’ll be together.
• Back to Starbuck and Damp Boi and….oh, f*ck the both of them.
• Bubba calls Prez Cherry and tells her that Schwartzman is surrendering and then mysteriously grows a pair to tell the-lackey-as-yet-unnamed that Agent Red’s getting a pass.
• Jack has Red Shirts named Kane and Lynch with him? What’s with the Supernatural-grade alias? Who are next, Mario and Luigi?
• Prez asks Regis for this secret files. His hair seems to be wilting a bit.
• Zaboo escapes and all I can think is that the city skyline was probably composited in post.
• Schwartzman forgets to stay under cover and gets capped. Dante is waiting at the Infidel Diner for shooter to arrive.
• Prez gets the bad news about bomb yields via Cisco Product Placement teleconference. They actually had to mention the product name; the logo wouldn’t suffice?
• Fajita and Zaboo reunite at a very conveniently located hotel. They are so happy. (He’s dead.)
• Schwartzman is dead, Jim, but Jack’s got a plan. Bubba thinks the plan is non-standard. Dude, Jack isn’t asking to saw the head off and put it in a bowling bag, so chillax.
• Everyone else is able to do so much in a few minutes and Starbuck and DB can’t dispose of a couple of bodies in 20 minutes? FAIL!
• Dante is unhappy as Fox News reports that Schwartzman is alive. (Keith Olbermann demands to go on MSNBC immediately to denounce Fox for broadcasting misinformation.) Muhammad Blue-Eyes calls his gringo mother and tells her to blow town before they blow the town.
• Jack’s reassures the scared Red Shirt. He is so dead. (Red Shirt, that is.)
• They’re evacuating the UN for a secure location. I suggest Scores since no one goes there anymore.
• MBE has set us up the bomb.
• WTF is with Red calling Jack and being all Basil Exposition as if anyone’s tuning in just now to the show? That is so really hacky writing.
• OK, Dead Meat just showed us why his nickname of “Mr. Poker” was ironic. Jack tries to buck him up, but he gets a hit on his Little Bitch cards. Lame.
• Regis calls Mrs. Regis to tell her about Fajita running off.
• Mr. Poker tries to call MBE’s bluff. Yup, he’s got a bomb. Now what, kid?
• OK, that was stupid. MBE jumps out the window and Jack doesn’t shoot him in the legs to keep him from running, OK, hobbling off and locking himself in the Michael Jackson Memorial Pressure Chamber.
• Dante tells MBE he needs to blow himself up real good. Wouldn’t it be wacky if the blast was contained inside the chamber? Jack should drag his mama down for leverage.
Thoughts: Some moments of tension, but really, where is this all going? They’ll probably wrap this threat up in a few hours and then what?
Hardcores: Chloe for defusing bombs under pressure.
Little Bitches: Schwartzman (RIP); Starbuck; Mr. Poker; Damp Boi; oh, screw it, everyone but Jack.
Up Next: Jack drags Muhammad Blue-Eyes’ mama down for leverage and – oh, goodie – Buford’s daddy is coming to town looking for sonny. Oh crap, we’re gonna have to follow this BS plotline some more?
Episode Score: 5/10.
JBBC: Jack fails to bust any caps, leaving the tally at 8
"24 S8.9" Recap – “CTU. CYA. WTF? BFD!”
Monday, February 22, 2010
24 S8.9 – “CTU. CYA. WTF? BFD!”
• We kick off this week with a touching father-son moment between Das Boot and Sark. “Son, come back with the rods and you’ll be safe.” Sark says, “OK, Dad….BANG!!!! OH, SH*T!!! I’M DEAD!!!”
• Jack calls Agent Red and quotes Sonny and Cher to her. Man, he’s looking good for someone who was stabbed an hour ago and electrocuted a half-hour after.
• Bubba and Prez Cherry’s weasel CoS turn CTU into CYA. Someone’s gonna have to take the fall and that’s Red.
• Damp Boi has Drone Boy find Starbuck and goes AWOL after her, cuz it’s more important to see what your fiancé is up to than, you know, FINDING THE F*CKING NUKE FUEL!!! (Buffy married and spawned with this loser?)
• Starbuck has her gonna-kill-my-ex face on. Still Lifetime. [sigh]
• Red is getting set up for the screw job. Chloe pouts. Jack’s gonna be pissed.
• Schwartzman’s sidekick, Dante Hicks, takes him and the rods to yet another convenient work site to learn the latest Big Plan: dirty bombing the Great Satan. Sounds like a plan to him.
• Dexter is doing Dodge voiceovers. Does this mean I should buy one to carry my dead bodies around?
• The Justice Sistah leans on Red and makes her cry. Meanie!
• Jack figures out instantly that Red’s getting set up and in one of the odder badass-to-pwned moments first jacks a red shirt and then gets captured by them. Huh?!?!
• Schwartzman escapes from Dante, but isn’t bright to clobber minions in the head to keep them from telling what you’ve done.
• Jack and Bubba square off and when it’s learned that Damp Boi is AWOL, Bubba doesn’t think to have Jack help some more. Nope, tosses him out. Bleah. Is there a maximum IQ you’re not allowed to exceed in order to get an upper management gig?
• Schwartzman calls in to CTU looking for help. Little. Bitch.
• Starbuck gets ready to cap the Yahoo Twins by the lake – where the heck are they? – when Damp Boi shows up and screws up everything. Nice couple. They have a future.
• Bubba preps CTU Rookie for the mission even though he’s still waiting for his nads to descend. Jack is smirking. Bubba agrees to let Red off if Jack commits fully to kick ass for the United States of America. [cue “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”]
• Damp Boi and Starbuck have a heart to heart and….oh, crap, this plot is just the worst of the worst. Katee Sackoff is wasted; Freddie Prinze Jr. makes us wistful for the throbbing manliness of Ricky Schroeder – whatever happened to Chase?; the Yahoo Twins end up dead and it’s all just sucked from beginning to end.
Thoughts: Really, WTF has any of this been about? NINE HOURS of non-stop stupid and it appears that we’ll waste some time next week with some couples therapy over body disposal. Gah! Are we going to have to watch them work out their relationship for the next 15 hours? Pffft.
Hardcores: No one. (Jack would’ve gotten his usual if he didn’t get tased so easily.)
Little Bitches: Schwartzman, Red, Me (for having to watch Lifetime Starbuck.)
Up Next: Something. It’s getting harder to stay engaged.
Episodes Score: 6/10.
JBBC: Throat punches, while vicious, don’t count. Holding at 8.
• We kick off this week with a touching father-son moment between Das Boot and Sark. “Son, come back with the rods and you’ll be safe.” Sark says, “OK, Dad….BANG!!!! OH, SH*T!!! I’M DEAD!!!”
• Jack calls Agent Red and quotes Sonny and Cher to her. Man, he’s looking good for someone who was stabbed an hour ago and electrocuted a half-hour after.
• Bubba and Prez Cherry’s weasel CoS turn CTU into CYA. Someone’s gonna have to take the fall and that’s Red.
• Damp Boi has Drone Boy find Starbuck and goes AWOL after her, cuz it’s more important to see what your fiancé is up to than, you know, FINDING THE F*CKING NUKE FUEL!!! (Buffy married and spawned with this loser?)
• Starbuck has her gonna-kill-my-ex face on. Still Lifetime. [sigh]
• Red is getting set up for the screw job. Chloe pouts. Jack’s gonna be pissed.
• Schwartzman’s sidekick, Dante Hicks, takes him and the rods to yet another convenient work site to learn the latest Big Plan: dirty bombing the Great Satan. Sounds like a plan to him.
• Dexter is doing Dodge voiceovers. Does this mean I should buy one to carry my dead bodies around?
• The Justice Sistah leans on Red and makes her cry. Meanie!
• Jack figures out instantly that Red’s getting set up and in one of the odder badass-to-pwned moments first jacks a red shirt and then gets captured by them. Huh?!?!
• Schwartzman escapes from Dante, but isn’t bright to clobber minions in the head to keep them from telling what you’ve done.
• Jack and Bubba square off and when it’s learned that Damp Boi is AWOL, Bubba doesn’t think to have Jack help some more. Nope, tosses him out. Bleah. Is there a maximum IQ you’re not allowed to exceed in order to get an upper management gig?
• Schwartzman calls in to CTU looking for help. Little. Bitch.
• Starbuck gets ready to cap the Yahoo Twins by the lake – where the heck are they? – when Damp Boi shows up and screws up everything. Nice couple. They have a future.
• Bubba preps CTU Rookie for the mission even though he’s still waiting for his nads to descend. Jack is smirking. Bubba agrees to let Red off if Jack commits fully to kick ass for the United States of America. [cue “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”]
• Damp Boi and Starbuck have a heart to heart and….oh, crap, this plot is just the worst of the worst. Katee Sackoff is wasted; Freddie Prinze Jr. makes us wistful for the throbbing manliness of Ricky Schroeder – whatever happened to Chase?; the Yahoo Twins end up dead and it’s all just sucked from beginning to end.
Thoughts: Really, WTF has any of this been about? NINE HOURS of non-stop stupid and it appears that we’ll waste some time next week with some couples therapy over body disposal. Gah! Are we going to have to watch them work out their relationship for the next 15 hours? Pffft.
Hardcores: No one. (Jack would’ve gotten his usual if he didn’t get tased so easily.)
Little Bitches: Schwartzman, Red, Me (for having to watch Lifetime Starbuck.)
Up Next: Something. It’s getting harder to stay engaged.
Episodes Score: 6/10.
JBBC: Throat punches, while vicious, don’t count. Holding at 8.
"24 S8.8" Recap – “Palm Pre: On Sprint’s Pow-Pow Network”
Monday, February 15, 2010
24 S8.8 – “Palm Pre: On Sprint’s Pow-Pow Network”
• We kick off with the bestest storyline this season, “The Life and Times of Lifetime Starbuck,” as she continues to violate CTU’s no personal phone calls/abetting white trash larceny policy to talk to the Yahoo Twins as they call from the strip club. They sure got there fast. Buford tells her they aren’t letting her off the hook. Didn’t need to be Nostradamus to see that coming, did we?
• Damp Boi says that Agent Red is a mess. Ya think?
• Chloe covers for Starbuck’s screwing up. This will result in payback methinks.
• Das Boot and Sark chat over some cooking. Why do bad guys always stop to get their chef on in the middle of their capers? “While I’m waiting to find out if this guy at the garage is a cop, I shall make some of Grammie Babushka’s carrot and ox hoof soup.”
• Jack gets the Mel Gibson in…well, just about half his movies, treatment.
• Bubba calls Prez Cherry. Something about her treaty falling apart, blah-blah-woof-woof.
• Schwartzman gets a call from minion with a well-trimmed goatee. I’m going to have to name this guy next week, aren’t I?
• Das Boot tells Schwartzman that perhaps he should take his weird hair elsewhere to wait for his rods.
• Red has to give a statement and realizes that she’s screwed everything up and Jack’s in trouble because of her. Der!
• Starbuck tries to tell Damp Boi about her secret, but he says that he doesn’t care. Um, perhaps you should find out what your hayseed baboo has to say first. She says she knows what to do. Hopefully this will lead to a blood-soaked Starbuck standing over the machete-hacked bodies of the Yahoo Twins.
• KAZZAP!!! I told ya Jack was gonna kill whoever tortures him so hard!
• Fajita confronts Regis. Oh, gee, she’s banging the help. Regis forbids it. (What about his Blonde Ambition?)
• Jack breaks free and whacks four minions in one segment, but are we supposed to believe that Das Boot is killed by a table? Huh? (OK, he’s just stunned.)
• Awesome Old Spice commercial. “I’m on a horse.”
• Starbuck is out the door again to reboot her life.
• Jack’s got a Palm Pre, like me! Does that mean I can kill like a Horseman of the Apocalypse, too?
• Just as Geoffrey Fieger can’t sue for less than $100 million, no one makes a deal on this show for less than full immunity. “Why not give him a parade down Broadway?”
• Drone Boy shows Damp Boi an out-of-context screen shot of Starbuck and Buford and now he’s concerned.
• Hmmm, he buckled the rookie’s harness. Rookie’s gonna die, isn’t he?
• Whoops! The rods are gone and Sark’s got them on the way to Schwartzman.
Thoughts: About time for Jack to get his Jack on, but the prospect of chasing nuke fuel doesn’t thrill me.
Hardcores: Jack.
Little Bitches: Various Ruskie redshirts.
Up Next: Nukes on the loose and Starbuck gets her gat on.
Episodes Score: 6/10.
JBBC: Jack whacks a quartet to hit the 8-ball mark.
• We kick off with the bestest storyline this season, “The Life and Times of Lifetime Starbuck,” as she continues to violate CTU’s no personal phone calls/abetting white trash larceny policy to talk to the Yahoo Twins as they call from the strip club. They sure got there fast. Buford tells her they aren’t letting her off the hook. Didn’t need to be Nostradamus to see that coming, did we?
• Damp Boi says that Agent Red is a mess. Ya think?
• Chloe covers for Starbuck’s screwing up. This will result in payback methinks.
• Das Boot and Sark chat over some cooking. Why do bad guys always stop to get their chef on in the middle of their capers? “While I’m waiting to find out if this guy at the garage is a cop, I shall make some of Grammie Babushka’s carrot and ox hoof soup.”
• Jack gets the Mel Gibson in…well, just about half his movies, treatment.
• Bubba calls Prez Cherry. Something about her treaty falling apart, blah-blah-woof-woof.
• Schwartzman gets a call from minion with a well-trimmed goatee. I’m going to have to name this guy next week, aren’t I?
• Das Boot tells Schwartzman that perhaps he should take his weird hair elsewhere to wait for his rods.
• Red has to give a statement and realizes that she’s screwed everything up and Jack’s in trouble because of her. Der!
• Starbuck tries to tell Damp Boi about her secret, but he says that he doesn’t care. Um, perhaps you should find out what your hayseed baboo has to say first. She says she knows what to do. Hopefully this will lead to a blood-soaked Starbuck standing over the machete-hacked bodies of the Yahoo Twins.
• KAZZAP!!! I told ya Jack was gonna kill whoever tortures him so hard!
• Fajita confronts Regis. Oh, gee, she’s banging the help. Regis forbids it. (What about his Blonde Ambition?)
• Jack breaks free and whacks four minions in one segment, but are we supposed to believe that Das Boot is killed by a table? Huh? (OK, he’s just stunned.)
• Awesome Old Spice commercial. “I’m on a horse.”
• Starbuck is out the door again to reboot her life.
• Jack’s got a Palm Pre, like me! Does that mean I can kill like a Horseman of the Apocalypse, too?
• Just as Geoffrey Fieger can’t sue for less than $100 million, no one makes a deal on this show for less than full immunity. “Why not give him a parade down Broadway?”
• Drone Boy shows Damp Boi an out-of-context screen shot of Starbuck and Buford and now he’s concerned.
• Hmmm, he buckled the rookie’s harness. Rookie’s gonna die, isn’t he?
• Whoops! The rods are gone and Sark’s got them on the way to Schwartzman.
Thoughts: About time for Jack to get his Jack on, but the prospect of chasing nuke fuel doesn’t thrill me.
Hardcores: Jack.
Little Bitches: Various Ruskie redshirts.
Up Next: Nukes on the loose and Starbuck gets her gat on.
Episodes Score: 6/10.
JBBC: Jack whacks a quartet to hit the 8-ball mark.
"24 S8.7" Recap – “Some Things Slap Chop Won’t Work For”
Monday, February 8, 2010
24 S8.7 – “Some Things Slap Chop Won’t Work For”
• Name change update: Agent Red’s Ruskie Baboo will henceforth be called Leoben.
• Great bunch of lines in a row: “Do you look like someone in a position to make demands?” “The driver looks worried.”
• Leoben doesn’t like it when someone calls his whore a whore. Ironic.
• Starbuck finds it difficult to give directions to rednecks who can’t tell their left from right and manage four-digit numerical strings. These yokels can’t remember their Social Security numbers, can they?
• You know what goes good with vodka and macho posturing? Some bread and meat stick!
• Das Boot wants Radiobro given a dignified funeral to go with this radiation sickness and gunshot wounds. Nice. He then sings a Bryan Adams song to Sark. How sweet.
• Leoben calls Das Boot and gets lied to about the rods. Make sexy time with Red then and…oh, gotta make more calls. Fine.
• Regis is rocking some Elvis Costello glasses, all the better to see the conspiracies against him with! Lying to Prez Cherry and his aide Scarforehead. Ohnohedint!
• The Yahoo Twins get stuck in the evidence lockup and Starbuck has to drop everything to get their dumb asses out of there. When do Chloe and Drone Boi catch on?
• Regis’ daughter, oh let’s call her Fajita – that’s and Arab chick name, right? – and Scarforehead are upset about Regis. Knock, knock, more loyal lackeys at the door.
• Leoben strikes out, but Red can’t let him stop trying. Nag, nag, nag, goes Red. Punch, punch, goes Leoben. STABSTABSTABITTYSTABSTABSTAB, GOES RED!!!! ZOMG!!!!
• Whoops! Jack forgets that coming up behind a woman in the middle of a crying and stabbing jag isn’t advisable.
• No matter! BANGBANGBANG! One down! Pull the knife out of your own gut and throwing it to kill another – a move you do in Modern Warfare 2 – for the double-kill. About fraking time! Plus two on the JBBC!
• Awwwww. Jack is able to try and soothe and reassure Red that everything’s gonna be alright. I dunno about you, but the last time an emotional chick stabbed me in the tummy, I was less than sympathetic toward her needs than Jack was. Seriously. You want a hug? DON’T FRAKING STAB ME FIRST!
• Bubba’s unhappy: “He’s violent? He’s dead on the floor.” He’s also slowly noticing that Starbuck isn’t paying attention. Guess what, Sparky? Some people aren’t chipping in for the coffee.
• Ruh-roh! The Ruskies have snuck Jack out thru the tunnels. Jeez, these guys must be badass if the CHUDs didn’t nab them.
Thoughts: OK, this is much better while not quite attaining the expected level of quality we want from 24. They’ve managed to make the lame stuff not so lame that I wanted to scream (like last week), but it’s still pretty lame. Thanks to some serious badassery from Jack and Red – the only thing that’s been fairly solid this weak season – it was a pretty tense hour. Keep improving, kids.
Hardcores: Agent Red, Jack.
Little Bitches: Leoben (why’d I bother renaming him?)
Up Next: Starbuck fesses up to Damp Boi and Jack gets the Mel Gibson treatment. (Yo, dude with the electrodes, he’s gonna kill you so hard.)
Episodes Score: 7/10.
JBBC: Finally bumps up to 4, but this is still an anemic .5 kills per hour. Get cracking, Jack!
• Name change update: Agent Red’s Ruskie Baboo will henceforth be called Leoben.
• Great bunch of lines in a row: “Do you look like someone in a position to make demands?” “The driver looks worried.”
• Leoben doesn’t like it when someone calls his whore a whore. Ironic.
• Starbuck finds it difficult to give directions to rednecks who can’t tell their left from right and manage four-digit numerical strings. These yokels can’t remember their Social Security numbers, can they?
• You know what goes good with vodka and macho posturing? Some bread and meat stick!
• Das Boot wants Radiobro given a dignified funeral to go with this radiation sickness and gunshot wounds. Nice. He then sings a Bryan Adams song to Sark. How sweet.
• Leoben calls Das Boot and gets lied to about the rods. Make sexy time with Red then and…oh, gotta make more calls. Fine.
• Regis is rocking some Elvis Costello glasses, all the better to see the conspiracies against him with! Lying to Prez Cherry and his aide Scarforehead. Ohnohedint!
• The Yahoo Twins get stuck in the evidence lockup and Starbuck has to drop everything to get their dumb asses out of there. When do Chloe and Drone Boi catch on?
• Regis’ daughter, oh let’s call her Fajita – that’s and Arab chick name, right? – and Scarforehead are upset about Regis. Knock, knock, more loyal lackeys at the door.
• Leoben strikes out, but Red can’t let him stop trying. Nag, nag, nag, goes Red. Punch, punch, goes Leoben. STABSTABSTABITTYSTABSTABSTAB, GOES RED!!!! ZOMG!!!!
• Whoops! Jack forgets that coming up behind a woman in the middle of a crying and stabbing jag isn’t advisable.
• No matter! BANGBANGBANG! One down! Pull the knife out of your own gut and throwing it to kill another – a move you do in Modern Warfare 2 – for the double-kill. About fraking time! Plus two on the JBBC!
• Awwwww. Jack is able to try and soothe and reassure Red that everything’s gonna be alright. I dunno about you, but the last time an emotional chick stabbed me in the tummy, I was less than sympathetic toward her needs than Jack was. Seriously. You want a hug? DON’T FRAKING STAB ME FIRST!
• Bubba’s unhappy: “He’s violent? He’s dead on the floor.” He’s also slowly noticing that Starbuck isn’t paying attention. Guess what, Sparky? Some people aren’t chipping in for the coffee.
• Ruh-roh! The Ruskies have snuck Jack out thru the tunnels. Jeez, these guys must be badass if the CHUDs didn’t nab them.
Thoughts: OK, this is much better while not quite attaining the expected level of quality we want from 24. They’ve managed to make the lame stuff not so lame that I wanted to scream (like last week), but it’s still pretty lame. Thanks to some serious badassery from Jack and Red – the only thing that’s been fairly solid this weak season – it was a pretty tense hour. Keep improving, kids.
Hardcores: Agent Red, Jack.
Little Bitches: Leoben (why’d I bother renaming him?)
Up Next: Starbuck fesses up to Damp Boi and Jack gets the Mel Gibson treatment. (Yo, dude with the electrodes, he’s gonna kill you so hard.)
Episodes Score: 7/10.
JBBC: Finally bumps up to 4, but this is still an anemic .5 kills per hour. Get cracking, Jack!
"24 S8.6" Recap – “The One Where The Air Never Gets Into The Balloon”
Monday, February 1, 2010
24 S8.6 – “The One Where The Air Never Gets Into The Balloon”
• Jack wants Agent Red pulled out of the mission, but Bubba overrules him. Jack says he’ll get the info his way, but Bubba reminds him that “we don’t play that” (paraphrasing) and blah-blah-woof-woof. Yeesh.
• Lifetime Starbuck continues to grind our patience. Someone take her Palm Pre away; she doesn’t deserve a cool phone when she’s such a doormat. Give her a Storm. Buford and Bubba are just gonna sneak into an evidence lockup and get the cash? Uh-huh.
• Red and Ruskie Baboo are doing a lousy job recreating that Moonlighting sexual banter.
• Sark and Radiobro are at the…oh, who the f*ck cares?!? Really? Sark’s threatening the doc in case his brother dies when some things aren’t curable. Stupid. Worse than Lifetime Starbuck’s crap.
• Ruskie Baboo apologizes to Red for smacking her up. Awwww, he’s sensitive. Maybe we’ve misjudged him and, whoops, no, he’s gonna double-cross Jack and gank the cash and kill him. ORLY? Who wants to bet Jack effs up the flunkies sent to get him?
• Prez Cherry is hand-wringing over Regis’ crackdown. Yawn again.
• Regis is cracking down on his nearby flunkies. Yawn.
• Lifetime Starbuck gives B&B the keycards to the lockup. Sing it with me….YAWN. Oooh, Arlo – is that his name? – sees what she’s up to.
• Ah, some life from Chloe! “Why don’t you stare at my ass while I walk away?”
• Ruskie Baboo is crowding Red’s personal space. Even knowing that she’ll probably get to kill him real hard doesn’t do much for the ick factor.
• The way Jack’s had to listen in on this stuff is somewhat interesting, but since we don’t really know what their relationship was between seasons, it’s not sticking.
• Regis’ delegate gets ganked, but something’s up with the minion and Regis’ daughter.
• Radiation illness is transferable thru bodily fluids. Well, Sark better not blow his bro, yo.
• Aw, jeez, was it necessary to whack everyone in the clinic? This doesn’t make the Ruskies seem badass.
• Jack’s showing off of his Berlitz training was cool, but what’s with the glasses? Is that supposed to make him seem more arms dealerish?
• More ick: Red looks like she feels dirty.
• Baboo tells Red that he’s gonna gank Jack – maybe you shouldn’t have toss your comms, eh, Renee? – and she tries to talk him out of it. (Looking hawt in that tank top, Red!) Fortunately, Damp Boi was on deus ex sniper duty and able to pick off the red shirts. Come on, can’t Jack whack someone?!?
• Das Boot caps Radiobro – is killing a lying dead man really killing? – to express his displeasure at Sark’s disobedience. (I guess no dessert wasn’t harsh enough punishment.) At least that ends this sucktabulous storyline.
Thoughts: Simply awful. What the hell is this crap? While the occasional placeholder episode has been an inevitability from time to time on 24 before or after major plot climaxes as they move players around the board, this was simply airless. Other than Agent Red’s nihilism and Jack’s angst, there isn’t much to care about. Regis was a soft touch for Blonde Ambition a couple of HOURS ago and now he’s rounding up dissidents. All the Lifetime angles are just freaking weird. Where is this going?
Hardcores: Agent Red, Das Boot.
Little Bitches: Agent Red, Starbuck, Radiobro, Sark.
Up Next: Who the hell knows? I’m almost afraid to suspect it’s going to be boring.
Episodes Score: 2/10 – Kim getting menaced by a cougar – no, not Courtney Cox – and Johnny Drama in S2 wasn’t this lame.
JBBC: Still only 2. Egad, Damp Boi has tied him.
• Jack wants Agent Red pulled out of the mission, but Bubba overrules him. Jack says he’ll get the info his way, but Bubba reminds him that “we don’t play that” (paraphrasing) and blah-blah-woof-woof. Yeesh.
• Lifetime Starbuck continues to grind our patience. Someone take her Palm Pre away; she doesn’t deserve a cool phone when she’s such a doormat. Give her a Storm. Buford and Bubba are just gonna sneak into an evidence lockup and get the cash? Uh-huh.
• Red and Ruskie Baboo are doing a lousy job recreating that Moonlighting sexual banter.
• Sark and Radiobro are at the…oh, who the f*ck cares?!? Really? Sark’s threatening the doc in case his brother dies when some things aren’t curable. Stupid. Worse than Lifetime Starbuck’s crap.
• Ruskie Baboo apologizes to Red for smacking her up. Awwww, he’s sensitive. Maybe we’ve misjudged him and, whoops, no, he’s gonna double-cross Jack and gank the cash and kill him. ORLY? Who wants to bet Jack effs up the flunkies sent to get him?
• Prez Cherry is hand-wringing over Regis’ crackdown. Yawn again.
• Regis is cracking down on his nearby flunkies. Yawn.
• Lifetime Starbuck gives B&B the keycards to the lockup. Sing it with me….YAWN. Oooh, Arlo – is that his name? – sees what she’s up to.
• Ah, some life from Chloe! “Why don’t you stare at my ass while I walk away?”
• Ruskie Baboo is crowding Red’s personal space. Even knowing that she’ll probably get to kill him real hard doesn’t do much for the ick factor.
• The way Jack’s had to listen in on this stuff is somewhat interesting, but since we don’t really know what their relationship was between seasons, it’s not sticking.
• Regis’ delegate gets ganked, but something’s up with the minion and Regis’ daughter.
• Radiation illness is transferable thru bodily fluids. Well, Sark better not blow his bro, yo.
• Aw, jeez, was it necessary to whack everyone in the clinic? This doesn’t make the Ruskies seem badass.
• Jack’s showing off of his Berlitz training was cool, but what’s with the glasses? Is that supposed to make him seem more arms dealerish?
• More ick: Red looks like she feels dirty.
• Baboo tells Red that he’s gonna gank Jack – maybe you shouldn’t have toss your comms, eh, Renee? – and she tries to talk him out of it. (Looking hawt in that tank top, Red!) Fortunately, Damp Boi was on deus ex sniper duty and able to pick off the red shirts. Come on, can’t Jack whack someone?!?
• Das Boot caps Radiobro – is killing a lying dead man really killing? – to express his displeasure at Sark’s disobedience. (I guess no dessert wasn’t harsh enough punishment.) At least that ends this sucktabulous storyline.
Thoughts: Simply awful. What the hell is this crap? While the occasional placeholder episode has been an inevitability from time to time on 24 before or after major plot climaxes as they move players around the board, this was simply airless. Other than Agent Red’s nihilism and Jack’s angst, there isn’t much to care about. Regis was a soft touch for Blonde Ambition a couple of HOURS ago and now he’s rounding up dissidents. All the Lifetime angles are just freaking weird. Where is this going?
Hardcores: Agent Red, Das Boot.
Little Bitches: Agent Red, Starbuck, Radiobro, Sark.
Up Next: Who the hell knows? I’m almost afraid to suspect it’s going to be boring.
Episodes Score: 2/10 – Kim getting menaced by a cougar – no, not Courtney Cox – and Johnny Drama in S2 wasn’t this lame.
JBBC: Still only 2. Egad, Damp Boi has tied him.
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